When I was in college, I decided I wanted to work with crazy people. Not crazy people as in the woman in the office trying to create the world's largest ball of rubber bands or the psycho post office worker. We're talking real, live loons! So, I majored in psychology, minored in criminal justice and got me some real world experience. I took a job for $5.25 an hour as an activity aid in a group home for mentally ill people. These people were considered well enough to no longer have to live in the State mental hospital, but could not live on their own. Basically, they paid me to take these people shopping, the movies, out to eat, to the part, whatever we wanted to do. The residents there were an interesting mix of schizophrenics, paranoid-delusional, and just plain psychotic. All names have been changed to protect the confidentiality of those involved.
One of my most favorite residents was Ted. Ted was in the hospital because he had chased his family around with a chainsaw – not to hurt them, but to give them all the haircuts they most certainly needed. Every year, the company bought each resident a holiday gift and the residents had to make their lists. Every year, Ted's list would contain 5 different things. Chainsaws. He'd seek out ads and list each chainsaw by brand, features and even indicated his order of preference. He never got his chainsaw.
One day, I was assigned to work at the house he lived at. Women were not allowed to work there alone because the other resident of that home had some seriously violent tendencies. The first time I met Ted, I was nervous. I was working with a guy named Chuck. Chuck gave me the ground rules for working in that home. "Stick to Ted, I'll handle Roger." And so, my day began.
Because of their violent tendencies, these two were not allowed to go on the outings other residents did. So, we watched a LOT of TV with them. Roger would walk past me and whistle, which made me a little uncomfortable, but Chuck was a big dude – a woman couldn't feel safer with another human being.
I was sitting there watching TV and Ted sat down next to me. He said "If you're uncomfortable, I can move to the chair." I told him he was fine where he was, and didn't have to move for me. Ted started talking. He told me stories about his dreams – all involving chainsaws. He'd get fixated on the chainsaws and he would just repeat that word over and over "Chainsaw!" He got quiet for a minute and looked at me and said "I'm not feeling so well."
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I don't know" he replied. "I think you better take my temperature."
"OK" I said and headed to the office to get the thermometer. "KIM!" he called. I turned around and Ted had dropped his drawers and was bending over, grabbing his ankles with his ass pointed at me. "You have to take it rectally!!" I was shocked! I didn't know what to do. "I'll get Chuck!" I said. "NO! He won't take my temperature for me, but you seem nice, so I just know you will." At this point, Chuck and Roger walked in the room, having heard the conversation. Roger kicked Ted in the ass and screamed at him about "showing the lady some respect." Ted was OK, just pissed off. Roger walked up to me and Chuck took a step forward, sensing that something bad was about to happen. Roger touched my elbow and said "I'm sorry about Ted. It's just been a long time since there's been a lady here. Are you OK?" He said it like he really cared. "I'm OK, just a little shocked!" I muttered. He said "I hope you get to work here again. You, me and Chuck can beat up on Ted and teach him why you should always respect women." He turned and walked off.
Chuck asked if I was OK too, but I sensed more concern coming from violent, crazy Roger. I learned that day not to judge a book by it's cover, that sometimes people aren't as bad as they appear to be.
That lesson was quickly forgotten when the next week Roger was sent back to the state hospital because he tried to sexually assault one of the girls that was working out there. Lessons really learned:
Never trust a wolf in sheep's clothing.
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it's a freakin' duck, OK?
People can put on a great show and still be an asshole when all is said and done.
And now do you understand why it was so easy for me to X-out my neighbor's nipples?
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