I thought I had dodged a bullet with Joshy B and his questioning about how you make a baby. He seemed satisfied with my explanation of how babies were made. (See yesterday's blog for my explanation of the miracle of life)
Then he says to me, "Well how does the baby come out?"
"Well, the mom has really bad stomach aches and goes to the doctor and the doctor gets the baby out."
"Like a sliver or a thorn or a spiny pine?"
"Uh, yeah, sort of."
He was happy with that. When you have an inquisitive kid, one should always let sleeping dogs lie. One should also never fill in their day care provider on the happenings of the evening before if she's a ballsy kind of chick who likes to laugh and play practical jokes.
"Josh," Kathy said with a devilish tone. "HOW does the doctor get the baby out?"
Josh thought for a moment and then looked at me for the answer. "Well, Mom?"
"Uh, well..." I said, swallowing hard, attempting to rid myself of the lump that had formed in my throat.
"Sometimes, the doctor has to cut open the mom's tummy to get the baby out." *Maybe that'll distract him*
"Let me see where he put your tummy back together!"
"Oh, I didn't have to have my tummy cut open honey. I, uh...ummmmm...I just pushed you out. I don't really know a whole lot about the process because I had my eyes closed the whole time. And next thing I knew, there you were!"
He looked at me for a minute with a concerned look on his face. To a 5 year old, pushing is done with your hands and arms, so I'm sure he was trying to figure out how he got out of there, and then he says, "I've got it! I think babies come out of your mouth, and they're all wet and slimy, like I was in the picture. You know, like throw up. That's what I do when I have a tummy ache. But I don't go to the doctor. I just throw up. I throwed up chocolate milk last time. Remember that mom? And at Disney World, I throwed up. I remember one time, when I was 2, I throwed up that orange juice and I cried and cried and throwed up some more..."
And just like that, the subject of where babies come from and how they were born was closed, because to a five year old boy, talking about barfing is WAY more interesting.
I love being a mom.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Facts of Life Part 1 - Makin' Babies
It has happened. I have had to have the first, of what I am sure will be many, of the “uncomfortable” conversations with Joshy B.
He says to me, “Mom, why do all moms have babies?”
“Because babies make us Moms. Without a kid, we’re just ladies.”
“Well, how do you get to be a mom?”
“You have a baby.”
“How do you make a baby?”
OH SHIT. I wasn’t ready for this. He’s only 5. I thought I had a year or so of talking to my friends on MySpace and working out the world’s greatest story to tell the boy that contained just enough truth to make him sound like he knows what he’s talking about without having to tell him that his Daddy stuck his wanker in his Mommy’s cooch!
Quick thinking skills powers ACTIVATE! Form of – a con artist!
“Well honey, you take a little piece of a mom and a little piece of a dad. You smoosh them together and they grow in the mom’s tummy into a baby.”
Did you notice how that’s 100% true and yet I didn’t say anything uncomfortable? That’s the art of being the style of mom I am.
“But Mom…”
Oh fuck. Here it comes. Go ahead Joshy B. Ask your mom how the baby gets in there so that I can effectively scar you for life with thoughts and tales of your parents doing the horizontal bop.
“…if you gave me a part of you, where is that part missing from on you?”
WHEW. Dodged that one. “Well honey, it was an egg from inside of me, so I’m not really missing it.”
“How many eggs do you have?”
“Well, I don’t know. I’d imagine there are more in there, but I don’t know how many.”
“Well can you smoosh one with part of Daddy? I want a friend to play with.”
*Sigh*
“No honey. Mom’s not having any more kids – you and Dakota are enough.”
Jerry thinks I should tell him, “We can’t. Daddy is only half a man since his vasectomy.”
Bwahahahahhahaha
In the interest of keeping this short, tomorrow I will tell you about the conversation we had involving HOW the baby gets out of the Mom’s tummy. You won’t want to miss this.
He says to me, “Mom, why do all moms have babies?”
“Because babies make us Moms. Without a kid, we’re just ladies.”
“Well, how do you get to be a mom?”
“You have a baby.”
“How do you make a baby?”
OH SHIT. I wasn’t ready for this. He’s only 5. I thought I had a year or so of talking to my friends on MySpace and working out the world’s greatest story to tell the boy that contained just enough truth to make him sound like he knows what he’s talking about without having to tell him that his Daddy stuck his wanker in his Mommy’s cooch!
Quick thinking skills powers ACTIVATE! Form of – a con artist!
“Well honey, you take a little piece of a mom and a little piece of a dad. You smoosh them together and they grow in the mom’s tummy into a baby.”
Did you notice how that’s 100% true and yet I didn’t say anything uncomfortable? That’s the art of being the style of mom I am.
“But Mom…”
Oh fuck. Here it comes. Go ahead Joshy B. Ask your mom how the baby gets in there so that I can effectively scar you for life with thoughts and tales of your parents doing the horizontal bop.
“…if you gave me a part of you, where is that part missing from on you?”
WHEW. Dodged that one. “Well honey, it was an egg from inside of me, so I’m not really missing it.”
“How many eggs do you have?”
“Well, I don’t know. I’d imagine there are more in there, but I don’t know how many.”
“Well can you smoosh one with part of Daddy? I want a friend to play with.”
*Sigh*
“No honey. Mom’s not having any more kids – you and Dakota are enough.”
Jerry thinks I should tell him, “We can’t. Daddy is only half a man since his vasectomy.”
Bwahahahahhahaha
In the interest of keeping this short, tomorrow I will tell you about the conversation we had involving HOW the baby gets out of the Mom’s tummy. You won’t want to miss this.
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