Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Facts of Life Part 1 - Makin' Babies

It has happened. I have had to have the first, of what I am sure will be many, of the “uncomfortable” conversations with Joshy B.

He says to me, “Mom, why do all moms have babies?”

“Because babies make us Moms. Without a kid, we’re just ladies.”

“Well, how do you get to be a mom?”

“You have a baby.”

“How do you make a baby?”

OH SHIT. I wasn’t ready for this. He’s only 5. I thought I had a year or so of talking to my friends on MySpace and working out the world’s greatest story to tell the boy that contained just enough truth to make him sound like he knows what he’s talking about without having to tell him that his Daddy stuck his wanker in his Mommy’s cooch!

Quick thinking skills powers ACTIVATE! Form of – a con artist!

“Well honey, you take a little piece of a mom and a little piece of a dad. You smoosh them together and they grow in the mom’s tummy into a baby.”

Did you notice how that’s 100% true and yet I didn’t say anything uncomfortable? That’s the art of being the style of mom I am.

“But Mom…”

Oh fuck. Here it comes. Go ahead Joshy B. Ask your mom how the baby gets in there so that I can effectively scar you for life with thoughts and tales of your parents doing the horizontal bop.

“…if you gave me a part of you, where is that part missing from on you?”

WHEW. Dodged that one. “Well honey, it was an egg from inside of me, so I’m not really missing it.”

“How many eggs do you have?”

“Well, I don’t know. I’d imagine there are more in there, but I don’t know how many.”

“Well can you smoosh one with part of Daddy? I want a friend to play with.”

*Sigh*

“No honey. Mom’s not having any more kids – you and Dakota are enough.”

Jerry thinks I should tell him, “We can’t. Daddy is only half a man since his vasectomy.”

Bwahahahahhahaha

In the interest of keeping this short, tomorrow I will tell you about the conversation we had involving HOW the baby gets out of the Mom’s tummy. You won’t want to miss this.

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