DC Traffic - from 7/31/06

Can anyone tell me WTF is going on with 95 South from Washington DC to the IKEA store? They have been doing construction there for at least 8 years, and never open any new bridges, byways, throughways, lanes, Arby's, Five Guys, or a Hard Rock Cafe.

Yesterday, on my drive from Baltimore (which should have taken me a grand total of about 3 hours), I realized the horror that is 95 South. Don't get me wrong, I've always known it to be a pain to get out of DC. However, yesterday I discovered why it's imperative to stop at the rest stops so kindly distributed throughout our country.

I get about 20 miles outside of DC. My 2 1/2 year old son has just fallen asleep (thank god). I've had 3 cups of coffee and 2 bottles of water, peed before I left those I was visiting and suddenly, I have to pee again. I see the rest stop. I'm in a real pickle. I'm not one of those parents content to leave the kid in the car when I go anywhere when it's a pleasant 68 degrees outside, much less the 95 degree heat I was in yesterday. So I say to myself: "Self, he should be up shortly after you make it through Washington. You can wait 30-45 minutes! Suck it up (but not too hard or risk accidental tinkling..."

I get into the outskirts of DC and the nightmare begins. It starts with traffic going from 70 MPH to 45. Then 40...30...20...10...5...STOP...5...7... STOP...10...you get the idea. 45 minutes later, I've gone a whopping 2 freaking miles. Now, the urge to pee really kicks in and I wonder how uncomfortable it would be to just pee all over myself to relieve my aching stomach. I see the sign for Andrews Air Force Base and wonder if I might be able to pull in, get one of our military men or women to sit with my kid while I pee behind the bushes. I say behind the bushes because I'm sure I don't have the correct clearance to use their bathroom, even if I've got a leaking bladder causing little wet circles on the front of my pants.

We creep along at the pace described above and get up on the top of a very tall bridge and stop. I call my friend from my trusty cell phone. "I'm in hell, true hell" I say. "Where are you?" he asks. "On 95 South, just past Andrews AFB". "Oh" he says sympathetically. "Give my regards to Satan."

I look around at the people I'm stuck in traffic with. Most of them are wiggling nervously in their seat. I roll down my window and shout to the guy next to me, "Are you sorry you passed up that rest area in Maryland too?"

"No" he says "I'm afraid of heights and don't like being on this bridge. Besides, I'm a guy, I just peed in my soda bottle." He holds it up to show me.

"Gross!" I say.

I look to my right and see a woman biting her nails. I get her attention and shout, "Missed the rest stop in Maryland?"

"Yes! She yells. Do you think I could hang my butt over the side of the bridge and pee? What do you think is down there?"

"Probably construction workers on their permanent break!" I shout back. "They might get excited and think it's raining. I say go for it!"

She just laughs and her lane of traffic pulls ahead slowly. Then mine catches up. She yells "I've got a thermos of coffee here, you want a cup?"

I just laugh a fake laugh and tell her where she can put her cup of coffee. Offering a suffering woman any liquid is not a nice thing to do. Whore.

It seems like it takes forever, but I finally see the lights of the IKEA store and the traffic is letting up. Now would be a great time to pull over somewhere, pee and get some more coffee. BUT, my kid's still asleep, amazingly. I don't want to wake him up and have to deal with his crankiness in the car for the next 2 hours, so I travel on. Besides, I really don't have to pee anymore, I just have an upset stomach. That's when fate steps in and plays cruel jokes on you. I realize that I have not had a sip of anything to drink for about 4 hours. I'm parched. My son has a sippy cup full of ice water. He won't miss a little sip. As soon as I take that sip, that urge to pee kicks in full force and I think it was backing up into my throat because the water tasted like urine.

I drive on, passing another rest area, determined now to make it home before I wet myself. I'm on a mission. I refuse to stop. "You won't get the best of me!" I yell to my bladder and step on the gas. This wakes up my son. "Mommy! What happened?" he asks. "I missed the rest area and now mommy is racing against Mr. Tinkle honey. Go back to sleep." "I'm thirsty!" he complains. I hand him the sippy cup of water. "I don't like the way it tastes" he says and throws it on the floor. "I didn't either son."

I finally make it home and bust into my house yelling "OUT OF MY WAY" to anyone or anything within 10 feet of me. I finally make it to the toilet, sit down and...nothing. Have you ever held your pee so long that when you finally get to go, you just sit there, holding your stomach, but nothing comes out. I think back to when I was in labor. The fluids sure came out then..."PUSH!" I yell. "BEAR DOWN!!" and finally, the slightest trickle comes out. It immediately eases the discomfort in my stomach, but why won't it come out any faster? "Mommy!! I'm hungry!!" my son yells. "Mommy's having an emergency honey, you'll need to wait!" "Is it Mr. Tinkle?" He asks? "Yes! We're playing hide and seek and he's hiding really well!" "You want me to help you?" he asks. "Nope, Mommy's gotta do this one on her own." Minutes later, the trickling turns into a steady stream and I'm back in business. I must have gone for about 5 minutes straight. My pants sure seemed to have loosened up while I was there. All is right with the world.

As I tuck in my son and say goodnight, he says to me, "Mommy, do you have to go potty?" "No son" I say with a smile. "Are you sure?" he asks. I think about it. Could he be encouraging me to stop at the rest area before I go about the rest of my tasks? I say to myself ”Self, don't miss this opportunity. Learn from your mistakes." I leave my son's room, pause at the bathroom door, thinking about the laundry I need to finish, the lunches I need to pack, the unpacking that needs to be done. I look at the toilet and mutter those four little words... "you don't own me". I didn't go in. I went about my business. Knowing that I can hold it for a really long time when I need to. And I feel a sense of accomplishment. I win - game over.