Woe is Me

Thought I would try something different. Thought I would take a few moments to talk about my fears. Because if you never share your fears with those you love, they may not understand your reluctance to do some things, your hesitation to act on something seemingly easy or your inability to say "please help me" or even "thanks - I couldn't have done it without you.

My biggest fear is that I may wake up tomorrow and not be able to walk, play, see, talk, whatever. Just losing my ability to do anything would freak me out. Perhaps to the point that if I acknowledge the possibility of that happening, then it will happen. I live believing that it's not going to happen to me because I don't want to think about it. I was at the pool with Josh today and we had so much fun playing and swimming and laughing, and that could all be gone tomorrow. UGH!

I'm also afraid of people thinking I'm weak or that I'm not capable of doing for myself. I'm so afraid of it that I won't ask for help, even when it's offered, for things I think I should be able to do for myself. I'm afraid if my mother in law comes to my house and it hasn't been dusted that she'll frown or think "what a slob" (even tho I know she wouldn't) And I'm so stubborn that I won't ask my husband to help me because it's only dusting! And if I ask for help that means I CAN'T do it, and who on earth can't dust? So, I work myself silly, getting angrier and angrier because people know I won't ask for help, then I'm ready for bed at 6:00 in the evening. And I think what gets me the maddest of all is that when people know I won't ask for help, why can't they just do it? Don't ask me if I need help, because I'll always say no, for fear that they'll think I'm weak.

And I have to get over these fears. When you have MS, you can't just go about your day, business as usual. You have to make choices in everything you do, and if you don't make the right choices, you don't have anything left to do the fun stuff. So, I have to learn to slow down and ask for help.

I just don't want people to feel sorry for me, because I'm not sorry. I'm estatic to still be here, walking around, playing and doing the things I do. I can't imagine what it'll be like when I can't do those things. And it scares the hell out of me. What will a woman who is so proud, so feisty, so pig headded, going to do when she needs someone to put on her shirt for her? I don't know. But I do know this...the friends I have today who stick around for all that fun that's to come, it'll be quite the ride. And I'll appreciate you more than I do now. And I hope if I need to ask you to wipe my butt, you'll do it with a smile. :) Those of you I'm likely to ask know who you are. And yes, I'll expect fries with that...