12 Days of seXmas

In the past 24 hours, I have read so many things that have made me laugh, pissed me off and turned me on, but THIS was pure comic genius.

Cranky Ricky delighted me.

Oh wait, there's more to that statement. I should say Cranky Ricky delighted me with a listing of articles you might find in an Iranian version of Playboy. Go read it and have a good laugh.

Cranks, you owe me $50 and you'll need to run up to Grebe's Bakery in Milwaukee and get me a REAL cream puff. Of course, you'll have to overnight it to me wrapped in some insane amount ziplocks and bubble rap, but it'll be worth it for me.

I've been working on the lyrics to the 12 Days of seXmas. I completed it this morning, and now for your pure enjoyment and masturbatory pleasure, here it is. To avoid typing the entire song, I'll just do the final verse.

On the 12th day of seXmas, my true love gave to me
12 hours of pleasure
11 foot massages
10 fingers searching
9 breast caresses
8 hard core pornos
7 crotchless panties
6 dildos pumping
5 ORGASMS!
4 cans of whipped cream
3 muff dives
2 vibrators
And a big dick in my pussy.

On a more serious note, I'd like to share with you what have been called the Top 3 best sexual positions in the history of man:

The Crab, Dok-al-Arz (translated from Arabic as 'pounding the spot'), and the Horse.

The Crab
The woman has her head parallel with the floor (or the bed). She is on all fours, but her head is down, touching the bed, and her arms stretched out in front of her for balance and support. The man enters from the rear, and begins a slow and rhythmical thrusting. You get deep penetration, and his hands are free to explore her body. (Note for inept men: this means finger her clit)

Dok-al-Arz
The man sits on the edge of the bed, with his feet firmly on the floor. The woman sits on him, face to face and wraps her legs around his waist. (Note: where I found this described, it stated she should wrap her legs around his WASTE, which is just disgusting).

There is no thrusting in this position, only some circular motion, as in a belly dance. The woman is in control, and there is maximum clitoral and G-spot stimulation, even T-Zone (no, not that oil-prone section of your face). Supposedly, orgasms in this position are "profound and long-lasting".

The Horse
Here you have deep penetration, and super G-spot stimulation, as well and full T-Zone. The woman lays on her back on a high bed or table. The man must be standing. The woman's legs are spread apart and raised, knees bent towards her chest, exposing her snatch.

The man then sticks it in, and begins thrusting. There is an order: four short thrusts followed by one or two complete and deep thrusts. The motion must be slow and rhythmical and not forced. And here's a quote: "Sooner than you might expect, due to all the stimulation, the woman will arrive at a spectacular orgasm." I'm all for spectacular orgasms - bring on the horse! That just sounded bad, didn't it?

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, try one of these and report back here on how it worked out for you. I think I'm going to try the Horse. It just sounds super cool & groovy!