There Oughtta be a Law!

I was reading a friend's blog today and something I read really upset me. Let me set the stage for you:

It was her birthday. She did not have a great day, but figured the best way to end a hectic day was for some private time with her favorite vibrator. She goes to get it and...it's gone! Yes, it was kidnapped from her secret hiding place. There was no ransom note, no warning, nothing. It was just gone. Taken by, a jealous man who was more than likely upset that he couldn't compete with the intellectualism or conversational abilities of a purple vibrator.

If that were me, a sudden, unexplained death may be in order. That might sound a bit harsh, but you don't take orgasm material away from a psycho. It just shouldn't happen. I think my friend should call the police and report her joystick as stolen. After all, it's her possession and someone took it without her knowledge or permission. Isn't that what stealing is?

As all things that make me angry have a tendency to do, this one got me thinking about all kinds of other sexual travesties that are perpetrated on women and men, without their knowledge or desire.

Of course there's one big one that, IMHO, should be punishable by immediate death or dismemberment (and I'm not talking about a hand here): rape.

But what of the other things that happen? What about those things that are, apparently, above the law? I know you're all wondering what the hell I could be talking about, and as luck would have it, I'm in the mood to share today. SO, here are some sexual offenses that should be punishable by something equally heinous.

1) Shooting your load in her before she has even had a single orgasm. Guys, this is just pathetic. We've covered it before, many times. It just goes without saying that if we're the ones who are playing hostess for your pecker party, we should get some pleasure out of it. And if you're not certain if we O'd, just ask. Don't assume that because there was screaming, panting, moaning, OH GOD-ing that we came. It just means that whatever you were doing felt good. And because the majority of women do not have vaginal orgasms, if all you're doing is pumping it in and out, she's not coming. She's making YOU feel like you're doing a good job. Don't get me wrong, it feels fantastic when you're screwing us. It's very pleasurable. Just not always orgasm inducing. If all you want is a hole to stick it in, without offering any satisfaction in return for her, buy the flesh light, pussy in a can, or use your hand.

2) Giving your partner an unexpected gift - an STD. Now, of course when you first get into a relationship, you don't always know if you're infected with something. Common sense will tell you if you haven't been wrapping that rascal before inserting it that you should be fully checked out before dipping in someone else's fondue pot. But not everyone thinks like that. That's not really excusable, but it is the ONLY time that there can be and defense for this. If you're in a relationship and one of you suddenly ends up with the clap, someone is not being faithful. What makes this even worse is when the offender tries to blame the victim. There are several ways this happens:

A. They try to say the victim is the one who had an affair. I got news for you people. The person who didn't cheat KNOWS that they didn't cheat. They don't have to prove it to you. And the cheater also KNOWS that they cheated. This is THE single worst argument you can have for giving your partner herpes, genital warts and the like.

B. They say that if their partner was more giving, caring, loving, whatever, that they wouldn't have gone out looking for it elsewhere. And therefore, if they didn't have to look, they wouldn't have found and there would have been no sex, no STD, no problem. Don't blame it on the other person. Things happen, own up to it, deal with it. The bottom line is for whatever reason the unfaithful person was unfaithful. And worse yet, you've now given them an STD that THEY will have to explain to any other relationship partner they may have in the future. Not that you care, but I'm just saying. I had a friend in this situation. She was married for 8 years. She went in for her yearly exam and lo and behold! Chlamydia AND gonorrhea. There's a gift for you. Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday and Happy Anniversary. They're divorced now, by the way.

3) Stealing or otherwise rendering a vibrator (or a any other sex toy) unusable because you're a selfish prick. If you view a sex toy as competition, what does that say about your abilities as a human to provide companionship? Have a little more self esteem. Sex toys = good, clean, safe fun (as long as you're not sharing them). Sex toys do not = replacement for conversation, sharing a life, etc. They fill a need, bridge a gap (fill a gap!).

4) "Whoops! It slipped!" is not an excuse for unauthorized anal entry. It doesn't just "slip" in there. That's a tight little hole, unless it's used often and then this isn't so much of an issue. You've got to work it to get it in there. It doesn't just slip in. Sorry - try again. This time, without lying or sticking your dick up my ass, fucker.

There are probably many more things that should be punishable offenses, but I'm going to stop here. Because I'm at work and getting pissed off.

And to my friend: Steal his credit card. Buy the most exotic, expensive new vibrator you can find. (I have several suggestions if you'd like.) Stick him with the bill. Call it restitution. All's fair in love & war, right? Well, this is war now. He crossed the line by taking Barney. Fuck him. Fuck him right in the ear.