Not a sex blog - sorry

I've been in a funk since the beginning of December or more correctly, the end of November. Perhaps it's because since then, not a day has gone by that someone in my house hasn't been sick.


Or maybe it's because the holidays are a brutal reminder that I will not be seeing my mom, my sister, or my niece and nephew in the near future. Nor anyone from my extended family. Just the in-laws. The biggest issue I have with them is the simple fact that they aren't MY family. I think I expanded upon this a bit over Thanksgiving and how I didn't want to go, yadda yadda yadda. Well, we're not going there on Christmas day – HOORAY!

So, I will cook my traditional Christmas morning breakfast, invite everyone in the known universe to come eat (Yes, you too! We start cooking around 8:00 – first round of food is usually done by 9:00 and we're eating until around noon!), a couple of people will show up and I'll have WAY more food than I know what to do with. And then, we'll sit around and play with the kids and their new toys. Why do I do this? Because it was my mom's tradition and I want it so much. She makes a HUGE breakfast on Christmas morning and throughout the morning, everyone we know who lives nearby stops in, grabs a bite to eat, and then moves on with their day. I so want that! Will it ever happen? Probably not. Here, everyone is too spread out. My neighbors who come every year are probably moving to Ohio early in 2007. They were the only ones who ever showed up. However, I think Sheryl is planning on stopping by this year and I'm trying to talk Kris(tin)(sy) into coming, at least for a little bit. And I have a renewed sense of excitement about it.

I think what's making this year even worse is the fact that for the last couple of years I've gone to see my mom in the fall and I haven't been to see her this year since July. And I have no plans in the works to go because I have no extra money for two tickets and, quite frankly, I'm tired & scared of flying. So the "Get Kim home to see her mom" fund is being started. You can send cash, checks, or I take credit cards. Or, if anyone from this area needs to get to the Midwest, we can carpool. I'm up for driving – the trip from here to Wisconsin can be quite entertaining if you know where to look – and I know where to look!

Perhaps another problem is that I'm being a pissy bitch and have refused to fill my Rx for my MS meds. I'm tired of taking shots – really I am. I'm tired of feeling like shit after taking them, I'm tired of the shot itself. I'm tired of the little knots under my skin they produce and the swelling and redness. I've not taken them since some time in September when I just up and stopped getting them refilled. I've since asked my doctor to rewrite the Rx, but I haven't called to set up delivery. I'm probably being a dumb ass about it, but if you've never been in a position where you have to give yourself shots, you wouldn't understand. It's twice as hard with MS because if you stop taking them, you generally don't have a noticeable decrease in functioning right away. And even when you're taking them, you can have exacerbations. So, you think "Why bother?" That, by the way, is a rhetorical question and yes, I know I need to get back on the meds, thank you for your concern.

If I could take my husband and the boys anywhere in the world to live, I would take them right back home to Wisconsin. I'd show them what family was like for me, – when everyone chips in to help everyone, all the time. Where people actually sit together to eat. Where if someone is pissed at you, they just get over it and don't talk about it behind your back. Where no one appears to be out for themselves, but truly out for each other. And everyone in your family is close. And maybe then they could understand why the little things (which I am NOT going in to) upset me. I grew up knowing every one of my 60-some cousins. 10 Aunts and Uncles & their spouses (all of whom live very close to my mom except for 2). I'm sure it looks better to me because I'm not right in it, but I don't remember all of the drama that seems to be in the state of Virginia. I really don't. Are people from Wisconsin just more laid back? I think so. I'd so go back there in a heartbeat if I could. And I'd stay forever. Because it's there that I feel truly at home and truly loved by more people than just my husband and my son. And because I don't much care for Virginia.

I miss the snow and the cold (which is much better for my MS than heat). I miss White Christmases and wondering if there will be snow for Thanksgiving. I miss watching the Packers on TV and being able to see every game – not just one or two a year – without paying extra for it. I miss our State Fair – which was incredible compared to any one I've ever been to anywhere else. I miss the summer festivals at the lakefront, and all of the concerts that were within an hour's drive. And the cheese! Don't get me started on the cheese. And yes (sorry Gary and Bill) I miss the Miller products wherever I went. All prominent and happy – and if I ordered a "Lite" I got Miller Lite instead of blank stares and questions – or worse yet – a Bud. I miss the corner bakeries, the corner taverns. Ham & hard rolls every Sunday. Fish Fry Fridays. I miss the beautiful zoo with the polar bears. I miss being able to buy a bottle of Jose Cuervo, a week's worth of groceries and a Packer baseball hat all in one place. But mostly, I miss my family. With every ounce of my being. There's a hole in my heart, and it will possibly never be filled again because things change. People pass on and my mom won't always be there. And then I'm not sure how much it will feel like home when that happens.

I don't regret moving here. I had to. It was in my heart to do so and without it I wouldn't have my husband, my son or my stepson. I wouldn't change those things for the world. I would just change the location. I've often thought about trying to convince him that moving ½ way between was the way to go. That would put us in Ohio. But, because of his first son that will never happen unless the ex drops off the face of the earth, and then it's possible. Not probable, but possible.

And so, I will make the most of my life here because it's where I am meant to be and I need to make it my home. You'd think after 9 years that should have already been done! I will start my own traditions, and not give a shit who I piss off in the process (with the exception of Jerry & the boys). I want all of the major holidays to be my own, done how I want them and spent in a way that makes me happy. We're starting with Christmas this year. Next year, perhaps I'll include Easter. Eventually, everything will be at my house, just the way I want it. Because I'm selfish like that and I have come to detest most holidays because if I can't spend it at MY Mom's house, I don't want to go to anyone's Mom's house.

All this AND I got laid last night. And it was good! You jealous? I thought so.