It's all in how you say it

I woke up this morning feeling a bit refreshed after my shit day yesterday. I have to admit that I have a great husband who did my grocery shopping, cooked dinner AND cleaned up afterwards, just to help me out. Ain't love grand?

He hinted around that he'd like some special time and I had to tell him that I was out of commission. (There's no lovin' for the psycho while bleeding from her snatch.) Now, there's never a good way to tell him, because I'm not the type of girl who can just say "it's my time of the month". I have to use creative euphemisms to get my point across. And while I think they're creative, he's not always in agreement with me. Last night's choice:

I rubbed my stomach, lovingly and said "I'm with tampon."

This got me thinking about the silly things we say in life to describe things that people around us may not want to talk about, or don't want to talk about in the technical sense, or it's just not appropriate to say in public. So, we make it funny. Instead of saying "I have to have a bowel movement" we say things like "I have to take a grumpy."

At some point in life, people stopped saying "fart" and turned it into "toot" or "poot". I say "ripped one" because I was brought up by a woman who had 8 brothers - farts were funny. To me, they still are. I can't help it. There's nothing like a game of "Pull my finger" to break the ice at a social event.

"I need to pee" has been changed to "Use the ladies room" or "Tinkle". Not me, I need to "piss like a racehorse".

We don't dine, we eat. We don't get inebriated, we get tanked, drunk, or sloshed. We don't write commentary on MySpace, we blog.

We have little phrases for sexual things too:

Women don't fellate our men, we give them blow jobs (which has absolutely NOTHING to do with blowing). Incidentally, the phrase "blow job" comes from jazz musicians in the 1950's who referred to fellatio as 'playing the skin flute'. It's the act of sucking or licking a man's penis and you "blow" into a flute to play it so hence the name "blow job".

Men don't perform cunnilingus on their women, they eat them out (first coined in 1927!). Again, they aren't really eating, and if they are, there's a problem. "Hey, let's have intercourse!" Is not a common phrase in a household, but "I'm gonna get me some" is.

My vagina is a snatch, a cunt, a pussy, or any one of a wide variety of other terms meant to make it sound more sultry, or perhaps more innocent.

A penis is a dick, cock, prick and the like. Sex is getting laid, fucking, screwing.

Let's face it - correct words are boring, non-descript and a lot less fun. I don't know about you, but if given a choice, I'd rather give my husband a blow job while he eats me out and then we can fuck like rabbits instead of performing fellatio on him while he performs cunnilingus and then we have intercourse.

It's all about what sounds fun and exciting as opposed to boring and technical. See which gets a woman laid quicker:

If she tells a man she wants him to insert his penis into her vagina and have sexual intercourse, or is she suggests that he ram his dick in her pussy and fucks her ALL night long. I'm betting on the second one. That's what I'd prefer.