Everyone and their mother tagged me for some crazy shit that I hate doing. Now it's my turn to write a blog about 10 weird things about me or habits I do. Then I have to tag 10 people. Then they do the same, and then their ten do, and soon all of MySpace is one great big sweaty quirky orgy of people talking about what makes them freaky, working themselves into a frenzy and masturbating when all is said and done.
Okay, I'm not really up for it and I refuse to tag anyone, but I'll play along because I'm at home, yet again, with a sick child who looks more like Rocky after a big fight than a 3 year old who likes Thomas.
So here are 10 freaky things about me:
1. I like to have my hair pulled. Not just during sex either. I think it feels good and stimulates my scalp. There are few things better than having someone take a handful of your hair and pull it. I'm freaky like that.
2. When I take a bath, I have to take a shower first. I cannot stand the thought of soaking in dirty water. Most of the time, after I take a bath, I take a shower again. You never know when some dirt might escape the first shower and invade your bath water.
3. I like mayo on my fries. I like ranch dressing on my onion rings. When I make a tuna sandwich, I mix mayo, dill, lemon juice and garlic into the tuna, spread it on bread and then put potato chips on my sandwich, so that it crunches. I like cheese & pickle sandwiches, on white bread only - with butter. Incidentally, I have a cholesterol problem. Go figure!
4. I think its funny when my kid farts, especially in the tub. He laughs every time too, which makes me laugh even harder. Jerry does not share this sense of humor.
5. I'm constantly miserable. My body hates the heat, but my mind adores and craves it. My body loves the cold but it makes my mind sad. If I could ever find a way to bring the two together at the same time, I may not need to masturbate any more. WHAT?!?!?!
6. I hate when people can't read my mind. I hate it even more when they don't even try. I am incapable of asking for help until I'm so flustered that I am in tears, and even then, I can't ask. I just bitch about how no one helps me. I think most people have a problem with sitting on their ass too much.
7. I have made up my own religion. It's based on Christianity, yet it's different. Agnostics and the like have a very difficult time trying to argue their views with me because the majority of what they dislike about Christianity, I hate as well. My religion's name is "Kimism" and I make the rules up as I go. It's based on the belief that our job here on earth is just to be the best person we can be. I refuse to believe that a God exists that would damn children for not being baptized. I also refuse to believe in a God that would allow any person who hurts a child into "heaven" if they are truly sorry afterwards. That, to me, is giving the thumbs up OK for people to be shitty to each other, even killing each other, as long as you're sorry before you croak.
8. I think it would be swell if there was a national holiday celebrating the orgasm. It should be on a Monday (because they suck) and all businesses (including the postal service and banks) should be closed. It should be celebrated and enjoyed and experienced fully. There should be cards and gifts and public displays of affection.
9. I believe in ghosts and spirits. I'm not sure I believe in the whole "they're stuck here" scenario, but it's possible. I think that they are wherever you go when you die and they have things that they want us to know. I think mostly they just comfort us. And I think we all have contact with them. Like when you're in a bad situation and suddenly for no reason at all, you feel comforted, or you have a great memory of something that makes you smile, even if for a second. I think that's them trying to help you get through whatever it was.
10. There are certain phrases people use that I cannot STAND! Kristin has asked me to make her a list of them so that she knows not to use them. Here's a short list:
"I can't live without you". Ummm, I beg to differ. You cannot live without food, water and oxygen. I'm none of those things.
"I'd be nothing without you." Geez, have some self respect and get a life. You'd still be human. And alive. And probably still an asshole.
"Mutha-Fucka" (or any other words for that matter) when said like you have a mouth full of food.
"Twenty-five cent" - put the fucking s on the end of that you uneducated hick. It's ONE CENT. Anything more than that is plural. And you don't AX someone a question - you ASK it. And you don't go to the LIE-BARRY - you go to the LIBRARY.
That's all I've got. Nothing else about me is freaky, quirky or odd. Except my boobs. And my stunning labia.
If you really want to do this, you can say I tagged you if you like. I'm good with that.
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