Dangerous Liaisons

Someone asked me the other day if I've ever had dangerous sex. I wasn't sure how to take this. Several possibilities entered my mind as to what exactly "dangerous sex" was.

Were they wondering if I have ever had sex in the lion cage at a zoo?

Did they mean have I tried autoerotic asphyxiation?

Perhaps they were curious if I enjoyed unprotected sex with groups of prison inmates.

This particular person was talking about dangerous scenarios, and I thought about this for a bit. What makes dangerous sex so appealing to some? Is it the rush of adrenaline that hits you that makes for better fucking? Is it the possibility that it could be the last thing you ever do? Could it be that you love telling stories to people and if you achieve orgasm while surrounded by 50 rattlesnakes, then you've got quite the story to tell? I mean who wouldn't be interested in that story?

So many people say that when they die, they want it to be while having sex. First of all – NO. It should be right after, but certainly not during. I mean come on – the effects that would have on your partner who survives the experience are too great to be so selfish. Unless, of course, it's all about you, in which case, you should consider yourself lucky that you have someone to fuck.

So, I am originally from the Midwest. We have tornadoes there. I've always sought shelter when there were warnings. Isn't that what you do? Apparently not if you're into dangerous sex. In this case, you should climb on top of your house, strip naked and while standing yell to the oncoming twister "come and get me you evil prick!" Hopefully, your man will be right behind you and he'll take you from behind, pounding into your body while the rain (and possibly hail) pounds your flesh. Animalistic! With any luck, the tornado won't hit anywhere near you. If it does, your last words may be "Fuck me like you're…" SPLAT. Your partner is left wondering "like what?" It's just a mess. No one wants to clean up that. The only way this could make for a better news story is if the girl was blowing the guy and the tornado blew him off the roof just as he was about to shoot his load down her throat. If this should happen to you, stand up and yell at the man "I told you I didn't want to swallow it!" It'll make you feel better. Trust me.

How about following fire trucks around? When they go to a fire, you and your partner sneak into the burning building and get to humping! The heat & smoke may be bothersome, but this is all about danger, right? Hopefully, the firemen will find you before you're overcome from smoke or heat but not until AFTER you've been fulfilled. All of the coughing and sputtering from the smoke alone should cause pleasurable sensations for the both of you. What fun! Ladies, should your man not make it out alive, be aware of the firemen around you. Certainly there will be one or two of them who are hot and available to console you. And since they know fire well, you could try this experiment again in a more controlled atmosphere with a real professional.

Gary has mentioned skydiving sex, but what about bungee jumping sex? Of course, if you're not physically tethered to each other, this could be painful if his cord bounces up long before yours does. To get a thrill out of either of these, your man had best be a minute man and be able to complete the task in record time. By the way guys, this is NOT something to be proud of. I'm just saying.

How about banging with the threat of a mass murderer creeping up behind you. This was a very real possibility when the "Son of Sam" murders were taking place. (Incidentally, anyone who believes that Berkowitz acted alone is a nutcase and probably believes that JFK and Elvis are still alive in the Swiss Alps at a rehab home for famous people who need the public to believe that they are dead. I have studied a great deal of information on this subject – that is Son of Sam, not JFK & Elvis – but I digress). So, what you'll have to do is read the papers. Find where the serial killers are hanging out these days and what their victim's profiles are like. He goes after hookers? A little role playing in an alley will either get you arrested (in which case you could have sex with dozens of inmates – that's a plus!) or it just might make the killer come to get you. Now, should the killer actually show up, your best bet is to always save your self. Ladies, offer up the man as a sacrifice. Even though more than likely the killer wants you, perhaps if you act like the killer is a hero who has rescued you, his anger will turn toward the man and you're off the hook. Probably not, but it's worth a shot, right?

Having thought up those scenarios was exhausting. It's probably much easier to just have your partner choke you or sneak into a prison. I, on the other hand, prefer the art of getting off without alerting the 3 year old and 12 year old that inhabit my house. If you want danger, try that one. It is dangerous stuff.

What's the most dangerous thing you've done sexually? I don't care which definition of "dangerous" you care to use – I just want to know how naughty you've been.