Well Deck My Halls! (From 12/22/06)

And I suggest you don't use boughs of holly. That would hurt too much and the risk of scratching my stunning labia and making them swell with anything but increased blood flow to the area is a no-no.

Day 1 of the vacation is shaping up like this: I cleaned my kitchen and dining room. That's it so far. And it's already 10:30.

Everyone seems to be having a bit of trouble getting into the Christmas spirit. Now, I do realize not everyone celebrates Christmas, and that's ok. There's no reason you can't participate in most of these things, and perhaps you can offer support to those around you who are in the same boat as you are (I'm speaking directly to you Crankster!) Therefore, I'm suggesting some ways to get yourself in the mood.

1) Can't get into the Christmas spirit? Then put some spirits in you! Use the spirit of your choice: beer, wine, the Holy Ghost, a great big vibrator, a man - whatever moves you. When you get the spirit in you, it's bound to try to come out again.

2) Fuck like rabbits underneath the Christmas tree, the Menorah, the Kwanzaa candles, whatever. Just do it. A little mood lighting, if you will. That should make you happy! Don't have a willing partner handy? Do yourself. It's both easy and enjoyable and fun for all involved.

3) Put on the SouthPark Christmas CD and laugh. Delight to the tunes of Merry Fucking Christmas and Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. You know you want to, so just do it.

4) Head on over to www.dearlady.com and partake of the festive deals they offer on wide range of adult toys. Even if you don't make a purchase, you'll feel all naughty and most certainly ready to spread that naughtiness around.

5) Make something naughty and edible. Boob cookies, vagina candy, cock & ball eclairs or cream puffs. You decide. I did the cock & ball eclair/cream puff combo at the Hong Kong King Buffet.

Meagan gave me the idea. The waitress didn't seem to thrilled. I assured her I was going to eat it. Cream filling and all. My dick even has a giant mole. Its OK though - there was no hair coming out of it. (Note: they were stale as shit, I just licked out all the cream and felt my job was done. Nothing like deflated pastry to get one in the mood!) Incidentally, we got the BEST FORTUNE EVER inside of our fortune cookie. It says "That noise you hear is the sound of your teeth." YES!

6) Buy one of those giant candy cane poles (heh, I said pole) and take it to the mall. Sit somewhere prominent and fellate it.

Men, you can do this too. See how many people wish you well and happy holidays.


There are so many ways to bring the spirit out of you, if you so choose and they do not have to involve attending services at a Pentacostal church, unless that is your thing.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Target to get some last minute gifts for those I love. And when I say love, I mean fuck.

Enjoy your Friday!