Take me to bed or lose me forever (1/5/07)

I interrupt your stream of consciousness to bring you a listing of new words that I learned in 2006. Yes, I live a sheltered life and had never heard any of these lovely terms until this past year. Most of them I learned on MySpace. They all are related in one way or another. So here they are, my most favorite newly learned words of 2006:

Fucktard
Jackhole
Twatwaffle
Vagitard
Dicktard
Sofa King

I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog, already in progress.

…pick up lines. They're out there, they exist, but do people really use them? I honestly can say no one has ever used a pick up line on me – at least not one that I recognized as a line. However, they still make me giggle and I seek them out, and when I find a good one, I like to examine what it really says about the person using it. Some fine examples:

"I'll bet you $100 my dick can't fit into your mouth."

What he's really saying: "You look like a slut. All I want is a blow job. I don't mind paying for it, but you might be an undercover officer, and to avoid any Hugh Grant type hassle, I'll just lay the $100 on the table, and if you win the bet, I'll walk away, leaving the money there. I have no respect for you."

"Women just use me for my rugged good looks, hard tanned muscular body, and large penis. Sometimes I just cry myself to sleep, craving a hug in the morning, not a blow job. If you would you hug me in the morning, I'll let you suck me off later. But really, I just want to be loved."

This is saying "I want you to think I'm a really nice guy, not just out for a piece of ass so that you'll give me pity sex. I know I'm hot and I can't get enough of myself. You look like a slut. I have no respect for you."

"Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation?"

"No."

"Do you want to go somewhere and talk?"

What he's really saying: "Not only do you look like a slut, but you're probably stupid too. I'll use clever word play to make you think I'm very intelligent. That'll get me in your pants. I have no respect for you."

"I have a six inch tongue and I can breathe through my ears."

What he's really saying: "You look like a slut who likes to be eaten out. If I make some incredible claim about my oral sex abilities, you will not notice that I have an extremely small penis and suffer from premature ejaculation issues. I have no respect for you."

What kind of person actually uses a cheesey pick up line? One who believes he's some sort of Don Juan, or just one who wants to be Don Juan? And what's the point? Perhaps he is solely looking to get laid and truly believe these will help?

And what kind of woman would go for this kind of line? Is she naive? Not very self confident? Stupid? Or perhaps she realizes the humor behind this and thinks it's a unique way for a man to break the ice? Perhaps she's a slut with no self respect?

Guys, if you're using pick up lines to get a piece of ass, direct and to the point works best. Something like this:

"Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"

This not only pays her a compliment and makes her think you appreciate a great pair of shoes (even if they're sensible) but it doesn't insult her intelligence by making her think you want something more serious.

What is the most creative or funny pick-up line you've ever heard (or used)?