My husband can NOT keep his hands off of me these days. He's on some crazy meds and one of the side effects is increased libido. The problem: I need to sleep sometime! I think I've found that solution – wear him out earlier in the evening. Yes, Big Daddy was POONED!
Don't read anything into this one, ok? I'm pretty happy with my life the way it is, and while there are several things I'd like to change, none of them make me completely miserable.
As I'm learning to live life more fully and make decisions that don't lead to regret, I'm finding it is not as easy of a path as I would like it to be. It's not as easy as thinking things through and seeing the big picture before making major decisions. It's not always as easy as having will power. It's not always as easy as just creating your own happiness. What the fuck does that mean anyway?
Does creating happiness in your life mean that even when things go belly-up that you simply don't give a shit and smile? Does it mean viewing things with distorted perception so that you can be happy?
I'm a realistic person. I can't just shut off when something affects me negatively. It just doesn't happen that way for me. Maybe I'm not fully grasping the ideals behind creating your own happiness. Or maybe I'm not capable of this completely blissful state of living.
If you know that quitting your job to be a stay at home mom would make you happy, but you can't afford it, how do you turn working outside of the home into happiness?
If you know that spending more time on a hobby will make you happier because while everyone else is working on theirs, you'd have something to do that you enjoy, but you just don't have the energy or the attention span to do anything like that, how do you turn that into happiness?
I have most of everything I could ever want, materially speaking. I have a wonderful husband and a great family. I'm working on my self image, even though I'm up against a stumbling block right now and am trying to work around it. However, I don't have that overall sense of peace and happiness with my life that I had hoped to at this point in the game.
I still get frustrated, angry and bitchy when things just don't go the way I planned for them to go. I still have regrets about the way I do certain things, about the way I express my feelings, about the way I don't ask for help until I'm fumbling around like an idiot and so pissed and angry at myself that I take it out on the person I need the help from.
I still feel like I should be doing more for other people. I still feel like I should be doing more to keep my house cleaner, or my yard looking nicer so that I'm not in a full blown panic when people are coming over.
And I still feel like when I really need to be heard and understood, I come across as accusatory, bitchy or nagging. One should never feel that by expressing their thoughts, feelings and opinions that they are complaining. Maybe I just haven't learned how to do those things in a way that comes across as assertive, not aggressive & bitchy. Or perhaps, like everything, I procrastinate, thinking it will get better and by the time I say anything, I'm fully irritated. Who knows!
Gee, and I thought that new years were supposed to be filled with hope and promise. Fuck that. This has nothing to do with a new year – these are issues I've always had. And new year or not, I want to make life a little happier for myself and those I love.
So you tell me – how does one create happiness in their lives out of turmoil, fear, and feelings of failure?
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