What's coming? Not me! (1/9/07)

Have you ever gotten up and immediately thought to yourself, "Today, I'm going to fuck something up, massively"? Well, that's me today, and I'm looking forward to it! I just can't wait to see what is in store for me. Perhaps it'll be work related and I'll have missed a big deadline or I'll have sent out information to the wrong people or no information at all. Or maybe I'll forget to pick up my son at day care. You just never know. I'm kind of excited – I haven't felt this in a long, long time.

The last time I felt it, was when I was at work and I picked up the coffee pot to pour myself a nice hot cup o' joe when HOLY-O-SHIT the bottom of the pot literally fell out, spilling coffee all over my leg and ruining my planned career as a thigh model. Good thing I was wearing pants and not a skirt that day. It did leave a scar that looks remarkably like Scotland (the blue letters are actually my veins that distorted into the names of cities and such.). Here's a picture of my thigh and scar for you. Sorry about the color - crappy camera phone in a public restroom. Oh well.

Amazing, don't you think?

The time before that was 2005. I left the change bucket behind the recliner after the SuperBowl poker game. I came home and it was spilled all over the floor. Thinking nothing of it, I started noticing doggie puke with dimes in it here and there throughout my house. Later that night, we had to take Chloe to the emergency vet because she ate change. Mostly pennies. A failed endoscopy procedure followed by surgery and a whopping $3200 or so vet bill, I had my change eating dog back.

Hopefully, this will be nothing serious. And while it will obviously be a fuck-up at the time, in retrospect there are so many good jokes that will come out of the situation that once all danger has passed and the rights are wronged, I'll be able to have a great laugh about it.

In honor of what could be a great big cluster fuck today, I'd like to share some interesting emails I've received here as of late from a couple of true dicktards. Just the best for you, my friends. And you should know if ANY of you are interested in getting to know these people, I will not be offended if you take their attention away from me.

Specimen #1:

hello,
how are you? hope you are fine. i am carl robert of A SUPREME, an international modelling agent based in USA with branches in europe. i saw your profile and your pics. i must confess i love it. i would like to seek your permission to allow me to use your pic for a magazine production.. am asking you this because i need a picture of a beautiful lady like you for a magazine production for my clients. the magazine is called WOMEN AFFAIRS, it portrays the beauty, lifestyle and education of women in our society.
please let me know if you are interested in the deal because you stand a chance of making money from this deal. at least $400 for a start.
let me know if you are interested. bye and hope to hear from you later.

Specimen #2 says:

let me know



And just so you know (straight from his profile): "i am looking for a ferak interested in any freaky sex. pregnant, fisting, fat, thin, flat, young, old, anything you can think of. anything you can think of i would love to do to you."

How could a girl NOT be interested in this? What the fuck?

Here's to a fucked up day!