Find the penis that is right for you

I was thinking about the friends that I have who are out there searching for Mr. or Ms. Right. All of the trials and tribulations that they go through to find the person that they can share the rest of their life with. Even when you find one, it's a crapshoot. You might have more luck betting on the smallest rooster in a cockfight. Even though we all should know that the size of the cock isn't necessarily an indication how good they are in the ring, we're less likely to bet it all on that little guy.

This train of thought got me thinking about the size of a man's penis and the old adage of "size doesn't matter." Sure it does. Don't let anyone fool you. Certainly, size is relative to the size of a woman's vaginal opening. After all, a big fat night crawler cannot fit into a pinhole without eating the dirt around it to make it a larger hole. And I'm certain if that dirt had feelings it would yell "OUCH!" followed by "heeeeelp meeeeee!" as it slid down the worm's throat (if they have one. I'm not up on the anatomy of worms – sorry) and into his stomach as I'm sure a woman would if a guy started literally EATING her pussy.

On the opposite side of things, you can't clean the inside of a sewer with a q-tip very effectively. And, yes, I just equated a vagina to a sewer – go figure!

I think we can all agree that they need to be big enough to denote that the beholder has passed through childhood successfully. It should also be easily distinguishable from a mole or a skin tag. In other words, if you have to squint and question if that truly is penis as opposed to just a flap of skin hanging, back away.

But what does it mean when we say "big"? For some, it's the length. For others the girth. For some, it's both. When sizing up a penis to determine its usefulness to you, you should give the man the benefit of the doubt – be sure he didn't just get out of a pool (shrinkage), there's not a stiff breeze blowing across it, and it's not flaccid. Never judge a dick by the flaccid size alone. It could be that he appears not well endowed, but if you give it a little love and attention, you're looking at a live enactment of Jack & the Beanstalk. (Which, by the way, is so obviously rife with adult themes, it's almost sickening!)

So, let's say he's hard and it's not all you expected it to be. Try your BEST to hide your disappointment. I know, it's not easy. But give it a chance to impress you. Usually, poorly endowed fellows know that it's not all that and a bag of chips (that's my metaphor for a scrotum by the way). However, they may have perfected the techniques that can make you tingle all over. AND, looks can be deceiving – that is, they may be bigger than they look. Meagan has dubbed this a "ninja penis".

Here are just some basic guidelines to follow to help you determine if a penis is right for you without getting out the measuring tape:

1. While you're checking out the goods, please don't kick the
tires. (yes, another scrotum reference).

2. Try not to say things like "is that it?" or "I've seen bigger wangs on hamsters" or "you've got something stuck to your…oh, I'm sorry, that's your penis."

3. Does it feel like it might be tearing you in half? It's too big.

4. Concerned about whether or not it will gag you if you put it in your mouth? You should familiarize yourself with how big of a fruit or vegetable you can comfortable shove in your mouth. Compare it to a cucumber, a zucchini and an egg plant. Of course, this means doing some home work and practicing with vegetables before hand so that you know exactly what you're getting into.

5. If he's doing all the right moves, breathing heavy and starting to work up a sweat and you're wondering "when is he going to stick it in?" it's too small.

And that, my friends, is all I have to say about that.