Reflecting on 2006 (from 12/29/06)

I've been enjoying my vacation from work so much that time has gotten away from me. It dawned on me this morning that there are only 3 days left in the year and my one big hope for 2006 is going to go unrealized. My kid will not be potty-trained. Perhaps I should take the approach I would take with a puppy and take him outside every 45 minutes and holler .."GO POTTY JOSHIE! GO POTTY! GO POOP! COME ON, YOU CAN DO IT!!" Because there is nothing like having someone hover over you, staring at you, telling you what to do. Plus, it gets him ready for marriage, which is an important lesson! It's even better when there are people outside and the dog starts pooping and someone says "Hey! The dog is going poop!" Once those words are uttered, everyone will turn to look at the dog. Why do we do this? Do we have some sick need to see fecal matter exiting a dog's backside? Or perhaps we think our friends and family are natural born liars and we want to catch them so we can call them on it?

My other favorite is when a dog is outside doing it's business and the owner yells "Hurry up, Rover!" because everyone knows that doing that decreases the amount of time it takes for poop to travel through their colon out their ass. I think from now on, I'm going to stand outside the bathroom in my house and whenever anyone goes in, I'm going to yell encouragement through the door like "Go potty Jerry! Hurry up, boy! Come on Jerry .. hurry up!" And then when they finally exits the bathroom, I'll give them a little hunk of beef jerky, a pat on the head and say "Good boy!" Now don't you just want to come over to my house for an extended visit? Hope you like beef jerkey!

The sad part is that when he is at the baby-sitters house, Josh is pretty much potty trained. Here, he won't even look at the toilet, much less sit on it. It's like how he'll eat food at other people's house when I'm not around, but once I'm within hearing range, he turns into Mr. Picky, only eating jelly sandwiches and fruit & oatmeal bars. Some day, I'll just have to pack up all of his belongings and send him to live elsewhere so that he can become a productive, well nourished member of society who uses the bathroom properly.

Perhaps I should try getting Josh to eat the way we get dogs to eat things they don't necessarily want. Instead of hiding it in a piece of cheese, I'll wrap everything up in a purple jelly sandwich. Want him to eat a hamburger? Grind it up and hide it in a jelly sandwich! Want him to eat peas? Shove them into a fruit & oatmeal bar! If it fools a dog, it's likely to fool a 3 year old. The down side of this is, unlike a dog, he may stop eating jelly sandwiches & fruit and oatmeal bars because they have started tasting nasty.

Yes, as 2006 draws to a close, I can say my only goal for 2007 will be to turn my child into a dog and teach him all of the things I want him to do. Now I've got to get one of those harnesses and leash systems. While I'm at it, perhaps I'll get one for Jerry as well and start training him to be exactly what I want .. a loyal and obedient companion who shits in the yard.