Survey says! (from 12/27/06)

Nine years ago, while touring the battlefields in Yorktown, VA with my then-boyfriend-turned husband and his friend, a special bond was born. We did the driving tour and took turns reading the signs. About 20 minutes in (if that) we were bored with reading the signs, as every placard seemed to say the same basic thing: 'So & so's camp, such & such battle, X number of soldiers died.' This became abbreviated, though I'm not sure who started it. We shortened it to "The English army camped here, blah blah blah, a bunch of dead guys." Everything ended that way – you read the first few words and followed it up by blah, blah, blah a bunch of dead guys. We still say it today when it's appropriate.

What does this have to with anything? I'll tell you – absolutely nothing. That is why it is the most spectacular opening to one of my blogs ever. I've got some serious questions and need some serious answers. These answers will not be found on a sign post alongside a road in Yorktown. These answers come from you – yes you! There is no right answer, so consider it a survey. Here's what you can tell me:

1) People say they'd like to die during sex. Let's say you're the survivor in that scenario. And the person wasn't someone you were particularly attached to, just fucking. Is the story funnier if they die DURING the act or immediately after?

2) I know several people who have exes who are now homosexual. If this happens to you, do you walk around with a complex assuming it was because you were such a bad lover that the other decided to play for the other team? Or are you flattered that a homosexual chose you, of all people, to experiment heterosexual loving?

3) Would you rather spend your life with someone with a gorgeous body and hideous face or with a beautiful face and hideous body?

4) Would you rather have sex with one person you love who is really bad at it (and only that person) for the rest of your life or multiple partners who are all pretty good lovers, but who you can't stand personally?

5) Finally, what is TRULY the first physical thing you notice about a person when you meet them for the first time? Is it the way their backside is shaped? The bounce of a woman's breast? Is it the overall shape of their body? Do they appear to be able to suck a golf ball through a garden hose? What is it that you look at first?

Tell me your secrets, and I may be inclined to tell you about the first time I touched a penis, or the first time I used a vibrator. You can decide.