Clean up your snACTch

Going for your yearly pap smear doesn't have to be a drag. I don't mind it at all. It gives me a chance to banter with my favorite doctor of all time, and he makes the whole uncomfortable situation much more enjoyable. Perhaps that's because I gussy up the beaver before going in. I figure the poor guy has to look at these things all day, the majority of which are probably unkempt and maybe not smelling so fresh. My theory is if there is any way to make his job more appealing, then he will do his best to ensure that my mind isn't focused on the fact that he'll be sticking a metal duckbill in my crotch and opening me up for everyone to view my cervix. As a result, he's very kind and not impersonal with me, and we tell jokes and laugh and I giggle. It's sort of like having your old college roommate performing your yearly exam and pap smear. Here are some tips to make it more pleasant for your GYN, which in turn make it more pleasant for you.

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder
When you're gearing up to head for your yearly, do your GYN a favor: don't let a man drop his load in you within 24 hours of your appointment. No one likes sticking their hand in a box of donuts only to find that one of the cream filled varieties has exploded inside, leaving creamy goodness all over everything in the box. Show your GYN the same courtesy you'd show breakfast guests. Keep the box free of cream.

A little snip will do ya.
Trim it up! Don't make him/her trample through the bush to get at what (s)he needs to. It's not a scavenger hunt for your GYN. It's their job. Make it easy on 'em. Whether you trim it, shave it, wax it, shape it, whatever, do it before you go. It not only makes the job easier, it makes it more interesting. Look at it this way: when you go to a museum, do you want every exhibit to look exactly the same with the exception of color? I think not! You'd get bored after 10 or 15 minutes and wouldn't really pay that much attention anymore. If your doc isn't paying attention to your cha-cha, it's going to be even more uncomfortable for you, I guarantee it!

Clean up your act
So, you've abstained from sex, you've gotten a haircut, now you need to wash it up. This is best done via a hot bath with some yummy scented bubbles or bath salts. Let it soak for awhile. After all, it's cooped up in your pants most of the time.

The scent of a woman
You shouldn't need any perfumes or scented lotions, unless you normally stank. In which case, find a light fragrance. Don't make your GYN think that his/her grandmother just walked in the room. And PLEASE remember that perfume does not smell the same to everyone. Just because you like it, doesn't mean other people will. Also realize that the act of being on your kitty alters the smell. Because it mixes with your natural aroma and in the end, it may smell like Grandma bathed in Cody Wild Musk or Jean Nate. Ewwww.

Let it breathe
After you've done all of the above, don't smother it in your panties. Go without. Wear loose fitting clothes - a simple flirty skirt would work perfectly. You don't want all your hard work to be wasted because you crammed your stuff into panties and got sweaty walking from the parking lot to the office. You know the drill - an ounce of prevention, blah blah blah.

Make it shine!
Be sure to convey that your twat is well loved and likes to look pretty. You can give it some help in that area. Put some glitter in your body powder. Use a giant makeup brush (or powder puff) to dab the special mixture on your cooch. This way, you will be remembered as "the patient with the sparkly snatch." Fair warning: they may put it in your chart. Besides, sparkles always make people smile.

And that is how one should go about making the experience of a yearly pap smear a more enjoyable one for all involved. If it's good for the GYN, it's going to be better for you! Try it next time. See what happens. It may just be the most enjoyable doctor visit ever.