I am in hell. Poop hell. JB has the squirts and it is up to me, SuperMommy to stay home with him and see that he drinks plenty of water, and as he informs me, "I don't want to get a rash!".
So, I'm stuck watching children's shows. It's only 8:00 am, and already, I've watched Cars, Dragon Tales and am now on Curious George. Oh, what fun! Through this bombardment of children's shows, I'm discovering even more how the creators of these shows are huge perverts who are teaching children that it's ok to do whatever the hell it is you want to. Let's look at some of the more popular shows and what they're really teaching children.
All I know about sex, I'm learning from Dragon Tales
1) "The hole is right over there, behind the bush!" So, they're teaching our children basic female anatomy.
2) "If only you were more slippery, Ord!" Ah, a valuable lesson. Always lube up before plunging into a hole, especially a tight one. In this particular episode, they slathered mud all over his ass and pulled him out of the hole. I kept waiting for the commercial at the end to say "This episode of Dragon Tales has been brought to you by AstroGlide."
There's something about Dora
I hate this little witch, even more than I hate her annoying cousin Diego.
When I watch these shows, I'm always left wondering where the fuck their parents are? Who lets a little girl hang out with a dumb monkey and go on adventures all over the place when there's a nasty fox out to take her goods? I think what Swiper really wants to swipe is Dora's cherry.
Diego's parents are no better. They let that kid run around through the jungle full of wild animals. Sure, his sister Alicia is in contact with him via a blackberry-type object, but how much help will she be when a giant fucking puma pounced on Diego and tears him to pieces? Come on parents!
The other thing I don't like about these two is that they are whiney and always need YOUR help. If you can't do it yourself you little bastards, you shouldn't be out alone.
Little Einsteins aren't to bright
Now here's a show that's mildly amusing to me because it features classical music and famous art. There's basically 4 kids who all have some kind of "talent" and I use that term loosely.
Leo, the four-eyed freak, is the leader of this crew. He loves to conduct and is always carrying a baton around. I'm not fooled though. He beats the shit out of the rest of the kids when they get out of line. He should stop referring to it as his baton (fag) and call it a billy club. He's a control freak who whines when he gets into a tough spot. And he's stupid as shit too because he can't tell which note is the higher note out of two. And this is the fucking conductor? Jesus.
There's Quincy who probably likes the baton up his ass. He plays instruments. Apparently, there isn't an instrument he can't play, although he does like playing the flute an awful lot. He should try Leo's skin flute sometime.
There's Annie, Leo's little sister. She's extremely whiney and I want to slap the shit out of her. Her talent is singing, but she can't sing. At all. She's there because their parents couldn't take the whiney baby girl anymore and said "go play with your brother".
And finally, June. Shes the slut of the group. In her little dress, and she's always twirling around and bouncing and hopping and skipping. I hate June. She's that perfect cheerleader girl that I never was. AND - she's a dancer. Whore.
These kids go all around the world, flying in a rocket. Again, no parents in sight. They are stalked by "Big Jet" who can pretty much kick their ass, but Big Jet is apparently a dumb ass because he's getting bested by the snot patrol every time. I so want Big Jet to win, just once. That'd teach those kids a lesson.
Then, there's the Wiggles. These four flakes like to pretend that they are brothers. Look at them. Do you think they're brothers? Do you even think that they're cousins? They're 100% all about sex and getting the girl. The only evidence I will present you with to back up my theory is the lyrics to this song: "Get ready to wiggle. We've been ready for so long. Get ready to wiggle. Wiggle to this song." I've read that several of them are married and have children. However, I cannot get past the feeling that they are homosexuals. Wonder why I have that impression?
Thomas & Friends. Hmmm..there are so many sexual things going on in that show, its hard to know what to pick. For the most part, I'm ok with it. But there's something about the guy in charge, Sir Topham Hatt. In early episodes, he didn't have a name. He was simply "The Fat Controller", or perhaps that's his name in the eps from the UK. I'm not certain. However, the name "The Fat Controller" says it all. He's the dom, so obviously. And he's always cross. He shows up at the railroad in a variety of outfits, though his favorite is a tuxedo and top hat.
He thinks he's hot shit. I have seen him appear at the station in a wizard's outfit. He's also shown up in his PJ's. Sexsomniac. He says some crazy things like "Lady Hatt and I need our muffins!"
There's Caillou (pronounced K-eye-you). This kid is probably 4 years old - completely bald, totally round head.
I just want to know what kind of parent names their kid Caillou? At least they gave his sister a normal name - she's Rosie.
Finding Nemo has prompted my child to walk around and tell people "I'm going to touch a big butt".
Cars has taught him the lyrics to some Sheryl Crow song and "Life is a Highway"
Pingu has taught him how to ask for things in a language I've never heard before - penguinese.
Pinky Dinky Doo has taught him how to make up a reason for not wanting to each something. Like last night's pork loin. He says "No, too porky!" Damn you Pinky Doo!
Mickey Mouse Clubhouse has taught him how to dance like the white boy that he is. (Sing it with me now, "Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog!)
And just to prove to you that children's shows are written by perverts, JUST overheard on Little Bear- "Why do all of her friends have to be stuffed?" Perhaps the mom could explain that sex is fun and getting stuffed, well, that's just what girls do.
I have to go now - the Backyardigans are singing a song. Don't even get me started on that show. BUT, if anyone reading this is familiar with this show, can you tell me if Uniqua is an ant? Or is she something else? I think I've got all the other ones down. Tasha = hippo. Pablo = penguin. Tyrone = Moose. Oh - and what happened to the token white "kid" on that show, Austin? I think he was a kangaroo. Perhaps the creators have something against Australians. Hmmm...I should investigate.
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