It's who I am

This blog may not make sense to you or seem to flow logically, but I assure you, in my head, it makes complete sense and flows naturally from one thing to the next.

There are a few things in my life that are constants. The fact that when I get up I need a cup of coffee is one of them. Today's concoction is Peanut Butter & Banana coffee. I've got the fever for the flavor of some coffee.

Another constant in my life is that I am going to wake up in pain. It'll take about 30 minutes for all to return to "normal" (mind you, normal for me is abnormal for you). On a good day, I'll go to bed in the same shape I was in when I first woke up. On a bad day, I'll feel worse. It's always a surprise, depending on temperature, what I've done all day, if I've eaten well enough, drank enough water, and a bunch of other variables that even after 2 1/2 years I still haven't figured them all out.

There's one other thing I can count on every single day, and that's laughter. I ALWAYS have laughter, even on the worst days. Without it, I'd wither away and become a shut-in, never enjoying anything at all. Without laughter, it's too easy to be overcome with negativity, and I simply refuse to go there.

I find sources of laughter in just about everything. It can be a new nickname I call my fat dog, such as "Jumbolaya". It can be my son saying something magical such as "Mommy, you're not big, you're little!" It can be Kris and I making eyes at the construction workers or inmates coming to the hospital. It's Jerry yelling "BOOBIES!" as I'm getting dressed or undressed. It's the comments my friends leave me here in my blog, or silly things people email me. But mostly, it's my own stupidity that keeps me going.

I've decided that my brain simply works way too fast to totally comprehend everything correctly the first time around. It explains how I can look at an innocent sign selling "Fresh Virginia Apples" and consider for a moment why a church would sell "Fresh Vagina Apples." It explains how Jerry asking one of our Collies "why are you such a silly girl?" to be processed as "Why are you so Euro, girl?" And then I rationalize in my head that he's saying that because she's got hairy legs. It explains how a simple phrase, assuring someone that you'll do something happily, such as "And I wont even think twice about it" comes out "I won't even give it a thought".

I've always known that my brain works differently from other people. It became most evident when I was in grade school and a boy was taunting me on the swings saying "Kim can't kiss me, Kim can't kiss me." I walked up to him, stopped the swing and where most girls might kiss him, I kicked him in the balls. Or the first time I ever went bowling at about age 11, and I bowled a - are you ready for this? A 7! A magnificent 7! And I was teased about it by a boy. Who I walked up to and promptly kicked him in the balls, and then announced to everyone, "I just kicked Davey in the balls!" Boys learned to not make fun of me. Incidentally, they also learned not to like me.

I have a slight inclination towards dyslexia, mostly evident in lists of numbers. I don't learn by reading, I learn by listening. I never bought any textbooks in college, unless they were math because that's where the homework came from. I never studied for tests, because it involved reading. I just went to lectures and took lots of notes, which I never looked at again. I did just fine in college - mostly A's and a couple of B's. The only time I got anything less was my last semester there because I didn't go to my classes and therefore, didn't get credit for anything.

Perhaps this wiring in my brain is what keeps me from enjoying all of those "typically female past times" such as shopping and shoes. I HATE shopping. I HATE shoes I only own four pairs of shoes: sneaks, black flats, black heals and a pair of sandals. When I try to buy more shoes than that, I never wind up wearing them. It's a waste of money. I also dislike fashion. I don't have to have new clothes every year, I buy them when the old ones wear out or just don't fit anymore.

I generally don't like other women. I find the majority of them to be petty and childish, too hung up on shopping, fashion and being catty. Don't get me wrong, I can be catty, I just prefer to do it with like-minded individuals, men or women. The female friends I have, in general, do not like shopping or fashion or shoes. The ones that do have never once asked me to go do any of those things with them, and we don't discuss it.

I like football and ice-hockey. I hate chick flicks (well, most of them anyway). I think I'm part guy, just not the anatomical parts. I do not have an interest in being a lesbian or a bisexual, but I'm not afraid to touch a chick's hooters, nor let them touch mine. I've kissed other girls in crowded places for shock value and thought it was a hoot.

My fears are not "normal" fears of flying or falling or failing. I do fear those things, but on a much grander scale. See, I'm not afraid of flying. I'm afraid of being in a plane and having it crash and surviving long enough to feel intense pain. My fears begin with the normal and mundane, but there are some very specific components to my fears that most people probably would say "yeah, that would be awful", but they don't think in that much detail. They would just say they are afraid of flying or crashing.

All of this adds up to the fact that my brain works just a bit differently from that of the normal person, and that's OK with me. It's what makes me open to everything. It's what keeps me honest. It's what keeps me going even when life seems dull and ordinary. I know I lead an extraordinary life. And I don't say that to be conceited, I say it because it's true. I make an effort for things to be extraordinary, to be different. Because its fun.

Look at it this way: the great majority of people who read some of my sex blogs will comment, be twice as gutter as me, let go and have a lot to say on the subject. Yet most of them wouldn't dream of posting a blog like that on their own. I just give them a place to let that side of them out. The difference with me: it's not a side of me, it is me. I like sex. I like talking about sex. I like to hear people's views, suggestions and thoughts on everything from masturbation to intercourse. I'm not afraid of my account being deleted, or what you might think of me. I learned a long time ago that those who can't accept you exactly as you are aren't worth your time or your effort. And they don't make you feel particularly good about yourself. I used to surround myself with those types of people and I was a lot unhappier. BUT as soon as I cleared the shit out of the closet, I felt better about who i am, and a whole new world opened up for me. One filled with love, honesty, sex toys and the realization that my labia is stunning, and my boobs are just fine the way they are.

Incidentally, it all happened around the time I met Jerry. His brain is wired way differently too. He likes shows about bridge construction - how different is that? I think moving 1,000 miles away from everyone I knew was the catalyst in my evolution into who I am today. True, the experiences and lessons learned from all of of your experiences help shape you, but I believe there is one thing that will define you. For me, it's not the man troubles I've had, the health issues, family issues, none of it. Mine is the big move, the new life, the complete starting over. Which brings me to my question: What has had the most influence on who YOU are today? Really think about it - you may be surprised.