State of My Coochie Address - for MySpace Crowd

Thank you all. Tom, writers of the blogs I read, readers of the blog I write, distinguished guests, and fellow MySpacers:

Every time I write my blog, I'm humbled by the privilege, and mindful of the history we've seen together. We have gathered on this site in moments of happiness, sorrow and flat out exhaustion from massive amounts of masturbating.

In a system of two kudos, there will always be differences and debate. But even tough debates can be conducted in a civil tone, and our differences cannot be allowed to harden into anger. To confront the great issues before us, we must act in a spirit of goodwill and respect for one another - and I will do my part. Tonight the state of my coochie is strong - and together we will make it stronger.

In the coming year, you and I will make choices that determine both the future and the character of our genital regions. We will choose to act confidently in pursuing the ultimate sex toy, or retreat from our duties in the hope that what we already have will be enough to satisfy our sexual desires. The only way to protect our nether regions, the only way to secure a piece of ass, the only way to cum whenever you damn well feel like it is to rely on some type of leadership, so the Stunning Labia Monologues will continue to lead.

Far from being a hopeless dream, the search for vaginal orgasms for all women is the great story of our time. And we're writing a new chapter in the story of self-pleasure, with women lining up to touch each other's hooters, buy clitoral stimulators and try out wonders such as the Cone or the Jack Rabbit. At the start of 2006, slightly less than half the adults of our world have orgasms daily. And we do not forget the other half, in places like Syria and Burma, Zimbabwe, North Korea, and Iran, because let's face it, the peace of this world, require that they too achieve sexual release.

No one can deny the joys of self pleasure, but some men rage and fight against it. And one of the main sources of reaction and opposition is erectile dysfunction, the perversion by a few who just can't get it up or keep it up into an ideology of "If I can't cum, neither should you". They seek to impose a heartless system of totalitarian control throughout your pelvic region and that my friends must not be allowed.

Their aim is to seize power of your snatch and use it as a safe haven for their useless dick to laze around in or near. Lacking the strength to satisfy us directly, these limp dicks have chosen the weapon of fear. When they discard of all the batteries in our homes, or give our vibrators to the dog to chew on, or throw away all of our astroglide, the terrorists hope these horrors will break our will. But they have miscalculated: We love our sex toys, and we will fight to keep them.

MySpacers reject the false comfort of the untouched pubic hair. We are the group that encouraged others to trim it, shape it, shave it or even wax it. Because if you're not willing to touch it, how can you expect someone else to? Once again, we accept the call of history to deliver the oppressed and move this world toward neat & tidy hair down there for all.

Our work in sexual liberation is difficult because our enemy is brutal. But that brutality has not stopped the dramatic progress of a new brand of MySpacer. In less than three months, we have gone from talking about the creepy hot dog guy to talking openly about our bushes, our sex toys, our likes and dislikes in the bedroom. At the same time, our coalition has been relentless in encouraging oral sex for all, comparing techniques and talking about what works for each of us. I am confident in our plan for victory; I am confident in the will of those who really want to have mind blowing orgasms; I am confident in the skill and spirit of those who use a jack rabbit or other motorized dong. Fellow MySpacers, we are in this fight to win, and we are winning.

The road of victory is the road that will make us scream "OH MY FUCKING GOD" at the top of our lungs as we're getting nailed by our spouses, partners or for some of us, complete strangers.

Our coalition has learned from sharing our experiences. We've adjusted the settings on our vibrators and changed our approach to sculpting the snatch or scrotum hair. Along the way, we have benefited from responsible criticism and counsel offered by people who actually comment on this blog when they read it. In the coming year, I will continue to reach out and seek your good advice.

Our offensive against boring sex involves more than vibrators. It also involves talking dirty at just the right moment, women acting like complete whores for their men, and men learning what women really want. Ultimately, the only way to defeat the oppressors is to defeat their dark vision of hatred and fear by offering the hopeful alternative of wide spread acceptance and conversations about self-pleasuring, sexual positions and whether or not you like to swallow.

Tonight, let me speak directly to the citizens who don't want to talk about sex: We respect you, and we respect your inability to fully enjoy yourself as a sexual being. We respect your right to choose to not enjoy sex. And if you can't stand all of the sex talk, read a different blog. We don't give a shit.

In recent weeks, I have taken action to educate others about the wonders of women touching other women's breasts, expand the education of those who have never touched a woman's breast, and rewarded curious onlookers with pictures of these types of events. Those who frequent the Stunning Labia Monologues are partners for a better sex life. Short-changing these efforts would increase the sexual frustration of our world and undercut our ability to cum in 30 seconds flat. I urge anyone who reads this to serve the interests of others by sharing your ideas openly and honestly.

In all these areas - from sex toys, to kinky sex, to the way you upkeep your wedding tackle - we need the support of our friends and allies. To draw that support, we must always be clear in our principles and willing to act. Together, let us protect our community, share ideas and experiences to make sex and everything related to it more enjoyable for all.

MySpace is a great force for freedom and prosperity. Yet our greatness is not measured in power of our vibrators, but by who we are and how we communicate with one another. Whether it be via pictures of Meagan's breasts, stories from Siranda about the game "Rainbow", Nancy Drew's obsession with Cox, or countless other good times & stories we've shared.

Fellow MySpacers, we see great changes in willingness of people to talk about how they like getting fucked and that could influence all our lives. Sometimes it can seem that history is turning in a wide arc, toward an unknown shore. Yet the destination of history is determined by human action, and every great movement of history comes to a point of choosing - do you want it in the ass, or not?

Today, having come far in our own journey, we must decide: Will we be frustrated, or be rode hard and put away wet?

We will lead sexual freedom's advance. We will compete and excel in talking nasty solely for sexual gain. We will redefine conventional morals to ensure that we can be as freaky as we want in the sack, as long as our partner is willing. And so we move forward - optimistic about our twats and dicks, faithful to the cause, and confident of the orgasms to come.

May God bless MySpace.