Quite often, a great song is redone by someone. In general, I think remakes suck. There are very few exceptions to this rule. I have to ask that NO ONE else try to do "Natural Woman". Aretha did it best. I can handle Carol King's version because I grew up with it. But it is Aretha's song. Whoever the bimbo is that has recently released it needs to shut the fuck up.
And now, what you've all been waiting for:
Snatch Status Codes: A Guide for the Men who Want to Understand Women
Let's face it. You can get a pretty good insight into a woman by knowing what's up with her cha cha. Incidentally, you should also know what's up her cha cha, but that's another story.
I've devised a code for women to let men (and other women) know what's going on with their box so that hopefully, we can all get along just a little bit better.
There are initials for "conditions" and visual cues to help the understanding impaired. I'm just covering some of the basics. Let me know if there's anything you think absolutely needs to be included. But you have to come up with a silly little acronym for it and a visual cue to alert others. If we all just followed these cues and paid attention to each other, there'd be fewer misunderstandings, much more happiness and a LOT more sex - which is what we're all after in the first place.
DFTM
Got bloating? Cramping? Extra cranky? Commonly known as PMS, this is an over-used phrase, and what people really should call it is DFTM, "Don't Fucking Touch Me." Women who are in this phase should wear something bright yellow. Nothing says "Don't fucking touch me" like the color yellow. It should be easy to remember because yellow is always a sign of caution, yellow lights on a signal, caution tape and crime scene tape. If people aren't getting the hint, you can make a belt, scarf or sash out of the caution/crime scene tape.
It's always best to heed this warning. Not doing so is hazardous to your health. It should be noted that this phase should not last longer than one week. If it does, be honest with yourself ladies - you're just being a bitch.
CCC
Cottage Cheese Crotch. This one should be obvious, but if it's not, it means that we have a yeast infection. This makes us cranky because this:
is coming out of our hoo-hoo dilly, making us itch and burn. Incidentally, when guys get a yeast infection, they call it jock itch. Not so much the cheesiness, but a rash. Women suffering from this condition should alert others by always being seen with yogurt in your hand (yogurt helps restore the natural balance of stuff in your popo). Whether it be a Yoplait Yogurt Smoothie, Gogurt, actual yogurt.
If this is not possible, spill some on yourself and when someone points it out you can say "It's yogurt" and instantly, they'll put their hand on your arm and say "Oh. I'm sorry". If this phase lasts longer than a couple of days with medication, friends ONLY may suggest she go see a doctor as it could be a sign of bacterial vaginosis.
LAR
Lubed And Ready. The natural juices are flowing. We're all revved up. We're horny. You don't even need a whole lot of foreplay (but you can't skip it either or we'll turn into DONT mode, which we'll get to next) When this occurs, simply touching her shoulder is enough to get the muff moistened. Do not, under any circumstances, call attention to it outright. Just make your move. Sometimes, calling attention to it can make her self-conscious. Every woman in this mode should wear something green. Nothing says "GO" like the color green. This can happen nearly every day, or rarely ever. Just depends on the woman.
DONT
Dream On - Not Today. For one reason or another, we're just not in the mood. It's not menstrual related. You probably did something wrong. Or, we're just having a bad day. Don't ask. If you don't know exactly what is wrong already, just be supportive. Otherwise, you look like you're trying to get us LAR, which just isn't happening. Women experiencing DONT should wear something red. Deep red. And not just your lipstick or nail polish. In the past, red has been associated with sex. However, red should not be associated with sex - red signals mean stop. Stop signs are red. Stick your dick anywhere near a DONT snatch, you're likely to wind up hurt and rejected.
MAN
Menstruating and Naughty. Now, when I say "naughty", it has 2 possible meanings. Either she's all horned up whenever she's on the rag or she's bitchy, not nice and needs a time out. It is possible to experience both of these, throughout each cycle. So first, all women experiencing MAN issues should display some sort of flag on their person or in front of their home, on the office door, whatever. A flag means she's "flagging" aka menstruating, aka bleeding from the box. If you're a cast iron bitch when in the MAN stage, perhaps find a flag from North Korea for your lapel!
If you're horned up, maybe some kind of hippie, "free love" flag.
I should mention that if you'd like people on MySpace to know your current status, you should feel free to download these symbols and place them on your profile page. The "About Me" section is a GREAT place to put it!
To sum up:
DFTM = Yellow
Stay away or approach at your own risk
CCC = Yogurt
I might seem antsy and fidgety - don't call attention to it, my cooch is itching.
LAR = Green
Go for it, as long as you're her cup of tea, you're in!
DONT = Red
Not gonna happen, get over it. Stop now to save yourself from embarrassment
MAN= Flag
You should learn rather quickly how to approach each woman differently. Don't confuse the women. Pay attention to the type of flag she has.
Now, I do realize that it may take awhile for all this to catch on and become universal. So the best bet is to ask those around you if they follow the SSC (Snatch Status Code). If not, encourage them to do so. Together, we can make a difference.
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