Not everyone likes the naughty talk. It makes some people just sit and giggle, and if you're doing it right, giggling shouldn't be the reaction you get. Before you begin talking like a sailor, might I advise testing the waters first. Start out lightly and ease your way into it. This way you can get a handle on your parnter's reaction before moving forward.
Phase 1: Turn non-sexual statements into sexual ones!
Long ago, I discovered that I can turn almost any conversation into a sex-laden word orgy. It's a marvelous talent and it keeps my days interesting, turning the mundane into the wild & wacky & often sensual. You can do this too! Just try. Picture in your mind where everything in the world is modeled after a penis, vagina, ass or boob. Normal every day objects become sexual objects and our everyday actions can become sexual tools. Here's what I'm talking about.
Tall buildings - all of them an extension of the architect's dick (if it's a man) or the dick she wants to have all up in her. So, you're having lunch with the male architect of a new skyscraper and he's brought the scale model of the building to lunch. You could say "That's a mighty tall building you designed". BORING. Spice it up a bit, especially if you want to get this architect in bed. Try running your hands up and down it, as if you're jacking it off. Now, tilt your head down a bit, maybe lean it to the side. Raise just your eyes to look at him and say, "I think this might be the biggest I've ever seen. I sure wish I could touch the real thing instead of this model." Follow it up by gently biting your bottom lip while looking at him. If you've done it right, he's got a semi.
Some things are just not sexual, and you should leave them alone: Wood chippers (although stump grinders definitely are!), mammogram machines, and colostomy bags are examples.
Once you're able to make boring things sexual, you can move on to:
Phase 2: Innuendos/double entendres
These may be one of the all time favorites of yours truly. But you have to be careful with them. While MOST things can be rephrased into the perfect innuendo, some things cannot. Here is an example of an innuendo gone wrong and what should have been said to make it work.
Bad innuendo -
Don: Honey, can you put a little more sauce on my pasta please?
Sally: If you wait a week, you can have all the sauce you want on it.
Sally just told Don that next week she'll be on the rag and if he tries to stick his noodle in her, it'll be covered in menstrual blood. NOT a great innuendo. What should Sally have said?
Good innuendo:
Don: Honey, can you put a little more sauce on my pasta please?
Sally: Oh, I'll put some sauce on your plate, alright!
BUT, she could step it up and have a GREAT innuendo:
Don: Honey, can you put a little more sauce on my pasta please?
Sally: Would you prefer Red sauce or clam sauce all over your hot mosticolli? (Best if said while wearing a white shirt and trailing the serving spoon down across your jugs, bringing it to rest in front of your snatch.)
The following is NOT an example of an innuendo:
Don: Honey, can you put a little more sauce on my pasta please?
Sally: How about I just slather it all over my twat and you can dip your pasta in it as you're eating?
That's just Sally being a dirty little bitch.
The trick with an innuendo is to say it in a sultry voice. It should be noted that with just about any activity, an innuendo can be made.
Phase 3: Playful Phrases
Once you move past the innuendos, you're into the foreplay phase. Naughty little phrases to set the mood and let him know that you mean it. These should be done BEFORE you start bumping and grinding, during foreplay. Some helpful suggestions:
"I've been a very bad girl"
"I might need a spaking"
"I wanna be your whore"
These phrases should be playful, and light hearted, but spoken as if you've truly been naughty. Phrases such as "Let's pretend I'm 15" are not OK here. This is supposed to be fun and naughty, but let's leave the children out of it because that's just sick and wrong.
When the moment is right, and all of your innuendos and playful phrases have worked their magic, do not spoil the mood by announcing "Let's make love". THAT spoils the mood that you were trying to set. You should use more direct phrases to tell him exactly what you want, such as:
"I want you to drive it into me deep and hard!"
"Screw me like the dirty whore I am!"
"Fuck me!"
Say these through clenched teeth for an even more intense effect.
Phase 4: Be a whore!
You've made it this far, and you're getting boned like you've never been boned before and suddenly, you think you'd like it to be a little more intense. This is the time to really whore it up - let your inner slut out from under the covers. Start give him very pointed directions. Just to let him know you like it. I'm not talking about the standard "Harder!" or "Faster!" Anyone can yell those out in the throes of passion. You want to go for the gusto. But be fore-warned! Some of these phrases can shorten the length of time he can go. Not because he gets turned off, but because he gets so turned on and into it that there's not stopping him. Start off easy, and as it gets more frenzied, work your way up to it. Here is just one suggestion of increasing intensity for the desired results:
"Spank me, I've been such a naughty girl!"
"I'm such a bad little slut!"
"Ram it in my box - harder!"
"I'm a fucking whore! Fuck the shit out of my pussy!"
Be his whore, just for the evening. Let whatever comes out of your mouth (heh) come out of it. Just go with it. There are soooo many things you can say, be creative. You'd be surprised about what you can say when you're 100% comfortable and in the moment. The more you use the first 3 phases, the easier the 4th is - and the more natural it is too. And this should be natural, because if it's forced, you'll start laughing.
AND think about this: if you say "Oh, I wouldn't be comfortable saying that out loud" then perhaps you should work on that portion of your relationship, because everyone should be comfortable saying anything that comes to mind with the person that they are sharing their naughty bits with. And honey, if you're reading this: I want to be YOUR whore! Treat me like yor private slut I was meant to be.
Your turn!
Ladies: What do you scream at the height of passion?
Men: What's the best thing a woman has ever screamed for you at just the right moment to send you over the top?
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