If you've ever read some of my older blogs, you know that I lead a strange life, filled with happiness, love, sex toys and really fucked up fears. I thought to myself how can I combine some of that into one blog? I KNOW! Let's talk about my fears involving sex. I have many fears about sex, some irrational, some not out of the ordinary. This is not to say that I'm afraid of sex. Not at all! I'm afraid of a kooky cosmic alignment (or basic biology, you choose) that would cause these truly terrifying moments to come to life. Now, I realize that some of these things may be up your alley, and I'm not belittling them. I'm just saying that the thought of them happening to me scares the shit out of me. I have lots, but I'm going to limit it to my top three, or this will go on and on and never seem to end. It might do that anyway.
1. Laughter that you just can't control. I'm a natural giggler. I giggle at things that no one else would, sometimes no one knows why I'm giggling and when I try to explain it, I just laugh harder. I call it my giggle zone. Jerry takes advantage of things when I'm in this state. He knows that once I'm there, just a word or two will keep the giggles coming. Usually that word is something benign and not funny at all, like "underwear". Having had the experience of saying "your dick feels like corn", trying to be a little silly during sex, (via Dane Cook's early days) and then laughing about it every time a move was made, I know how all out maniacal laughter can truly ruin the moment. Now, at first, with the laughter and giggling, your muscles all tighten up and it probably feels really neat for the guy (tell me guys - does a woman laughing/coughing/sneezing while you're in her do good things for you - sensation-wise?) However, I get in the zone and everything gets a laugh out of me. A sweet nothing intended to draw my attention back to being shagged? Laughter. A dirty something said to get me back in the sex zone? Laughter. There's sometimes no recovery from it and then you just have to stop for a bit, which sucks. And then, when you try and get back into it, you keep thinking "OK, this time, don't ruin it with laughter. Don't think about his dick feeling like corn". TOO LATE! There's the laughter again.
2. Urination. Sometimes, when I have an intense orgasm, I get worried. Thoughts that shouldn't be there creep into my head. Thoughts like "Oh my god, what if I loose control and piss all over?" Golden showers, water sports, whatever you call it, it's not for me. I should say that I don't worry about this all of the time, just sometimes. I worry about it because I sometimes tinkle, just a little, when I have a coughing or sneezing fit, or when I can't control my laughter. Biologically speaking, an orgasm is similar to these events in that there are muscles spasms occurring. So, wouldn't it make sense that it's possible to tinkle a bit, and not be able to control it?
3. Air escapage (is that a word? It is now!) from the cooch. UGH. Most prevalant in the doggie position, which I adore. Call it a queef, call it a pussy fart, I call it fear #2. I can picture going at it and a giant air bubble escapes from my holiest of holies. THAT is when the laughter would most likely set in, leading me right back to fear #1. So it would be a 2-for if you will. And it would be bad. I've been assured by books, and other people, that it's perfectly fine and normal and that most people don't even notice the sound portion of this little number. That doesn't make it any better though. You are still, basically, farting out of your cooter. That's not attractive.
NOW, if the planets are aligned just right, perhaps a disaster of biblical proportions (at least in my eyes) would occur. Picture this:
I'm on my hands and knees, getting nailed from behind. "You like that? How does that feel?" he asks. I say (or even just thing) "it feels like corn!" and the laughter starts. And it won't stop. And the combination of pumping, doggie style and laughter produces a super loud expulsion of air from my snatch. Which, while mortifying, would make me laugh even harder (because of my giggle zone status) and, I laugh so hard that I piss all over the bed. That would effectively end my sex life.
I'm sure I would read about it in a blog somewhere down the road when he is describing his worst sexual experience ever. I'd be portrayed as "some psycho" with no mention of princess, which is a down right depressing thought. There would be no mention of my stunning labia. It would be this description of some freak. laughing like crazy, queefing and then pissing all over the bed before just getting up and running to the shower. Where I will sit, with my knees pulled up to my chest, crying while the hot water runs all over me, muttering about how "I didn't mean to - I'm so sorry - it was an accident - it's not my fault - fucking planetary alignments. WHY ME! OH GOD, WHY ME?"
Is it likely to happen? No. Is it possible? Yes. Therefore, it's not a completely unfounded fear.
Let's have a lively discussion about this, as I'm under the belief that talking about your fears can make them go away. And no one should have fear associated with fucking. It's just not right. So, what's your biggest sexual fear?
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