Girlie Stuff

So today, I participated in the time-honored tradition of women everywhere - I went to one of those home sales parties. Now, I don't necessarily dislike these things, after all, I'm a home sales consultant for a company whose name I am NOT allowed to mention on the internet, other than email or they will dismember me. No wait, disbar me. No, that's not it either. Deactivate me. Yeah that's it! Let's just say it involves food and if anyone wants to try it, I'm having an open house tasting party on March 17 at 2 pm and you're invited. And you should plan on making a purchase or you're not getting out alive. After all, I'm feeding you, it's the least you can do. Anyhow...

Today, I experienced a jewelry party. Ahhhh yes. Costume jewelry, most of which I wouldn't wear unless I was 80 years old and headed to the local BINGO parlor to try and land me a man. Allow me to recap the festivities because I want you to experience second hand the horror that is a home party for something you're less than enthusiastic about. First, allow me to preface this story with the fact that if I was into wearing jewelry, I would probably have had a hard time narrowing down what it was I wanted to buy. I own very little jewelry. In general, jewelry I wear must be 1) real and 2) expensive. It's even better if you combine those two.

So, we arrive at the party late, which is fine as these things rarely start on time. The hostess had quite the food spread out for her guests. Ply them with munchies and lull them into a false sense of comfort and you'll get the sales so you can get a bunch of free shit. This is what we do to our friends. So, we eat, chit chat and move into the living room. The consultant instructs us all to grab a piece of jewelry off of the display that we think was the biggest seller last month and put it on. We had to wear it throughout the whole party. SO, figuring if you were right you got to keep it, I checked out the goods and found something I wouldn't mind owning and put it on. It was a necklace with a magnetic latch. It took me 20 minutes to figure out that it was magnetic. I wore it as a headband.

I noticed when looking around the room that I was surrounded by very large breasted women. And here I was in my little A-Cup gel bra, hoping no one would ask me to try on a dangly necklace because it would look nice against my shirt. They didn't, I was spared.

Then, the games began. There was the "say who you are and if you had to leave the house quickly, what one piece of jewelry would you take with you and your wedding ring doesn't count." I picked earrings. I only own a couple of pairs of earrings and I like it that way. Each holds some sort of special memory to me. She then read what your choice says about you. Apparently, I'm trustworthy, hard working and dependable and I want people to look at me when I talk. Later, I tried to change my mind because I wanted to be the fun-loving, home centered patriotic girl who had to have her necklace. The bitch said it was too late. TOO LATE?!?! Even if my house is burning down, if I feel that strongly about it, I'm going back for the necklace.

Next was a purse game. The seller would call out a letter and you had to dig through your purse and find something that started with the called letter. First letter "I". I reached my hand into my purse, pulled it out, held it high and yelled "INHALER!" I win! I got a fake $100 bill. As she's getting ready to call the next letter, I look at the lady next to me and say "I hope she calls an S". I had my hand on a package of Sudafed that was in my purse. The seller says "S!" "SUDAFED!" The groans started. Lynn looked at me and asked if I had a pharmacy in my purse. I told her "no, but if she calls T, I've got a roll of Tums in here. OH! And an A, I have analgesic cream." "J" she calls. J?? Who has a J in their purse? Everyone is looking, no one is talking. And then I spy it. At the bottom of my bag, a lone earring that has not had a match for at least 2 years, yet every time I change bags, it finds it's way in there, hoping to find a mate some day, I'm certain. "JEWELRY!" And now, I have 3 fake $100 bills and people are snarling at me. I won a little eye shadow compact. I actually got to choose something from her "makeover bag" but she obviously only buys lipstick for blondes, and I really didn't want an eyelash curler.

We finish up the presentation and I have found something I would actually wear. I picked out a ring. And now, I have to wait my turn to "check out". "Do you want to have a jewelry party in your home?" she asks me. I looked at her with sympathy. THIS is the worst part of these parties for the seller. You KNOW if the person wanted to have a party for you, they would have marked "YES!" on the order form. But you ask anyhow, waiting for that inevitable "no, not right now. Sorry." Of course, I said no. She smiled and thanked me and I made my way back over to the mini chocolate chip cookies. My friends check out and we leave.

All in all, we survived unscathed, none of us choosing to have a party in our own homes. We suck that way. We'll come in, we'll eat your food, we'll even buy something from your party. Just don't ask us to do it again. That's how we roll.