Why me?

**Warning, I'm going to talk a little bit about bleeding – from areas you may not want to think about. And if you read this you'd better AT LEAST leave me some kudos (you can do that without commenting you know) because I deserve at least that for sharing this information with you, don't you think?

Here's how my day started. At 5:30 AM, I log on to MySpace to check in on some things and I get an email from a man (I'm guessing here) with no picture. I'll share it with you. Because that's how I roll.

From:	Michael http://www.myspace.com/strtarrow
Subject:	If....
Body:	If I were a lesbian I would be sucking your pie hole until your head caved in. Michael

First of all, isn't a pie hole your mouth, as in "Shut your pie hole!" ? I don't think I like the idea of someone sucking so hard on my MOUTH that my head caves in. I'd like to see a demonstration of that though, perhaps on a CPR doll?

Second: that's no way to speak to a lady, fucker.

Third: I'm not a lesbian. He OBVIOUSLY saw the word lesbian in the title of my blog and assumed that I was. See what happens when you assume? You make an ass out of yourself, live on MySpace. And I exploit it.

Moving on...

So, I'm talking to my friend about what we should order for lunch today. As I lean forward to look at the menu with her, I suddenly felt like my ass was cold and very visible. I reach back to see if maybe they just rode down a little lower than normal. What do you suppose I discovered when I put my hand back there? I'll tell you – at 10:07 AM, not even 3 hours into my work day, the zipper on the back of my black pants has split wide open. Broken. Busted. WIDE OPEN. Exposing my lovely blue lace up the sides boy short underwear from Frederick's for everyone to see. Excellent.

Note: While these are the panties I'm wearing today, this is not me in them. However, you should try to make me feel better by pretending it IS my body and fantasizing about me the rest of the day.

6 hours left to go and then I still have to walk the mile to my car. THIS is so what I did not need on a day when I'm bleeding fully and completely from my girlie bits.

It's not like the pants are tight – in fact they are a little bit baggy, at least while I'm standing. Maybe they are just a little old? Maybe my ass spreads out more than I like to think it does when I sit down and lean forward? So, my friend and I giggle about the situation and I know that I have to safety pin them somehow to get through the day and hope that my sweater is long enough to cover it. So, off to the bathroom I go, yank the pants down and begin pinning. At least I pinned from the inside so that if my sweater does not cover the great divide, you won't see the shiny tell-tale safety pins. Which is good, or everyone walking behind me would know what color my panties are.

Back to my desk to order our lunch. I sit down and "DAMN IT! That shit hurt! Yes, a safety pin must not have been closed properly and it poked me in my ass. SO, I stand up, reach my hand down the back of my pants because I have to get it out of my ass and – one of the doctors up here walks past my office. "Ummm. Are you ok?" he asks. "Safety pin!" I snapped, unable to say anything else. He shuffled away rather quickly, possibly not wanting to have to look at me any longer. "I'll wash my hands when I'm done!" I yell after him. He probably thinks I was doing something naughty.

I remove the rogue pin and feel to be certain it's not really a necessary pin to seal the gap, get out my trusty antibacterial hand sanitizer, and sit back down to put my shoes back on (I generally flip them off when I'm sitting at my desk. I so hate shoes!) "FUCK!" This time, I swear it missed my butthole by about 1cm. And this one is not just poking me, it's fully inserted into the skin on my right buttock and the shit hurts! SO, I waddled off to the ladies room, past the front reception desk.. I'm walking with stiff legs, bowed out at the knees, as if I had just dropped a load in my pants. And the entire time, I'm pulling my sweater down in the back so as not to give a goody view to the entire waiting room which is unusually FULL of people.

I fix all the pins and start to clean up. If I've never mentioned it before, I'm on blood thinners for life due to a clotting disorder. So when I start to bleed, sometimes it's hard to make it stop. So I stick little bits of TP on the two bloody spots that the pins have made, like a guy would stick on his face if he cuts himself shaving. Satisfied that all the blood spots are covered, and the pins are arranged and closed, I head back to my office. I heard the snickering. "WHAT?!?!" I snapped.

"You missed a spot" she says sweetly. "Your underwear are a pretty color blue."

"It's Frederick's of Hollywood Alluring Blue if you must know. 4 for $20 right now. Get your own if you want to look at them some more." And with that, I walked into my office and shut the door where I dropped 'em and rearranged the pins yet again.

So far, so good. I have decided that I'm not getting up from my desk until it's time to go home and perhaps I will eat while working in order to leave early. I'll tell them it's a pants emergency.

So there you have it. I'm not only bleeding from my snatch, but also from parts of my ass. And it's not even 11:00 AM. How is YOUR Thursday going?