Make time for pleasure

As I was getting ready to write a stunning blog, I heard a song on my XM Radio that I just had to share the lyrics to. Because it's got me laughing. AND, it inspired me. Read on

Say Anything

Excerpts for the song "Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too"


If I die and go to hell real soon,
it will appear to me as this room.
And for eternity I lay in bed
in my boxers, half stoned,
with the pillow under my head.

At this rate,
I'll be heading for electric chairs.
I'm only human with my cross to bear.
When she described her underwear
I forgot all the rules my rabbi taught me in the old schul.

I don't know what I want. (x4)
I don't know what I want. (Met you on the internet) (x4)

I called her on the phone and she touched herself.
She touched herself. She touched herself.
I called her on the phone and she touched herself.
I laughed myself to sleep.

So, while I was looking forward to regaling you with a tale from my working in the nuthouse days, I will now need to shift gears and talk about my favorite subject: masturbation.


Let's review the basics as I've presented them to you over the past 8 months


1. Everyone should masturbate daily

2. 3 orgasms a day is the KPP-RDA (Kim Psycho Princess - Recommended Daily Allowance) for women. 5 if it's a holiday.

Now I know many of you are thinking "there's no way I have time for this every day, much less 3 times a day!" But come on people! It's like exercise – do it for your sexual health. Here are some suggestions to making time for self-pleasuring:


1. Do it in the shower. Ladies – detachable showerheads are helpful, thought not necessary. They also make waterproof vibrators. And let's not forget the power of your own hands. All soapy, hands roaming over your body...

2. Do it in the car on your ride to work. There's nothing like passing time in a traffic jam practicing a little self love. You can even daydream that your hands are the hands of your significant other - or the hot stranger in the car next to you. Come on guys, you've pulled up next to the hot little blonde in the red Mustang convertible and wondered what it would be like to have her hands on you. Chevy Chase imagined it in Vacation, you do too!

3. Do it at work on your break (or in the middle of the day). If you have an office, close the door and enjoy yourself. You have at least 30 minutes, many have an hour. Why not give yourself what you deserve? Nothing like being paid for having an orgasm. (Incidentally, I think we should also be paid for taking a crap, since we all have to do it anyway, let's do it at work). It's almost like being a whore, but you are your own customer. And you probably don't even have to buy yourself dinner or call yourself later. It's a win-win situation.

4. When making dinner, strap on the Venus Butterfly. You can wear it under your clothes. Dance around a bit to experience varying levels of intensity. And have the most fun cooking in the process. There's nothing quite like having an orgasm while food is sizzling on the stove.

5. Leave the Butterfly strapped on through dinner. You may want to turn it off to give yourself a break and ensure that you don't choke on your food while in the throes of passion. Although, if you've gotta go, it may be quite the story for the rescue squad and their friends and family to talk about the nympho who died with the Venus Butterfly on and fluttering away (and the Band-aids Xing out her nipples). After dinner, flip the switch and enjoy a sensual dessert! Best if served with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.

So, there are 5 suggestions on how to squeeze it in to your busy day. I realize that for men I've only given you 3 suggestions, but since you probably already spank the monkey most every day, you don't need any more ideas.

And a special addendum for my gentlemen friends who are intimidated by sex toys. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Unless the sex toy has better conversation skills than you, more money and the ability to initiate passion on it's own, get over it! You shouldn't feel threatened by them at all. They're not a replacement, they're a supplement. Think of them as a vitamin. We don't replace food with vitamins – we just take them to ensure we're getting everything we need because food doesn't always deliver the right things at the right time. They are there to do the things you physically can't or won't. And if you would just work hand in hand with them (pun intended), you'd find that we ladies will be smiling more often. And we might just be less bitchy.