Slap it, Spank it, Spit on it!

*I am sick. My ass is on fire. I cannot be held responsible for the content of this blog nor the content of the comments which may or may not be left.

I considered telling you the story of the first and only time I had anal sex. However, that would be getting way too personal, you know TMI. And you all know how I carefully guard my secrets. I thought if I opened that can of worms, I'd also have to describe the asshole – no wait, wrong term – the dick face I dated at the time and I don't especially want to go there. Because he was a jackhole who I thought I could turn into a respectable human. Silly 18 year old girl dreams & aspirations all shot to hell.

No, I will not revisit the tale of the Hershey highway because is too painful, or more correctly, WAS too painful. Instead, I would like to share with you my thoughts on spanking.

In order to share with you, I will need to give you my opinion on it. I think it's a good thing when done properly at the right time. It should never leave a mark nor be just a knee jerk reaction. It has to be measured and timed and delivered like you mean it. Now, to all of you who are considering calling social services on me, let me assure you that I am over the age of 18. Let me also assure you that I kind of like it. And you thought I was talking about spanking as a form of punishment for a child, didn't you? Well, if you did, you don't know me very well.

Now I don't like the spanking for pain that could be involved. In fact, if he smacks my ass too hard, I'm likely to scream "OW!" and lock him in a ninja death grip with my stunning labia and va-gi-gi muscles. And it wouldn't be pleasant. I do LOTS of kegels and those muscles are quite strong – capable of crushing a penis if you're not careful.

So, the spank for me should always be open handed, right on my ass. And it better not feel like he's tapping it just to get my attention. It should not be so hard that it leaves a welt on my tender buttock – that skin is very sensitive you know. And you should always rub after a spank, especially if you're going to spank it again.

For me, the spank works best when doing it doggie style. The angles are all just right for maximum enjoyment. Plus, it's easy to just drop down and turn around and knee him in the groin if he does it too hard.

I'm not sure why I like it, I just do. Is it the sound? Could be – I like the slapping sound. Of course, I prefer the slapping to be his thighs against my ass, but I'll take the hand. Maybe it's the rhythm. That was always my favorite part of going to a concert – feeling the bass pounding through the sound system so that it made vibrations through your whole body. Whatever it is, I like a spanking while getting down and dirty.

And speaking of spanking, I'm curious about something. When you're watching porn, you often see a person slapping the twat of a woman while either performing oral or just fingering her. What's that about? Is it similar to spanking her ass – the sound and the rhythm? Or is there a purpose to it? Like if you spank the bean, does it sends waves of pleasure rushing through her? I don't think this has ever been done to me. If it has, it obviously wasn't memorable. I tried it once during a marathon self-pleasuring session, and it didn't do anything for me. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. Maybe it's something done for a camera and that's it. I don't know. Will someone tell me?

And while you're at it – is it sexy for a woman to spit on a man's dick while giving him head? I mean, they do it in the movies – giant gobs of spit being shot out of a woman's mouth onto his unit. I see people spitting on women's cooters too. I mean, I thought spitting on someone was an insult. Are they saying "your nether region is not suitable for me – it's offensive. However, I'm being paid a shit ton of money to lick and suck on it, so I will belittle it the only way I know how." I think it would be more useful and sensational if we just blew raspberries on each other's naughty bits.

Happy Thursday? I think not. It took me 3 bathroom trips to finish typing this. Aren't you glad you know that? Yeah, that's what I thought.