Diaglogues with an Almost 3-yr-old Psycho

Before I get into this, I heard the song "Hollaback Girl" this morning and I flashbacked (or perhaps I flashedback) to the first time I heard it. Gwen was performing it on Saturday Night Live and throughout the whole song, I was CERTAIN she was saying "I ain't no Harlem black girl!" And I thought to myself, well, she's right, but what an odd song. Carry on…



My son says some wildly fantastic things. Sure, I've droned on and on about him however, he is my one, my only, my angel. So, don't read it if you don't like to read about kids!



Josh shows an incredible ability to develop doctor-patient rapport and a fantastic bedside manner. As he comes at me, Daddy, or anyone else within range with the puzzle piece that reminds him of a tongue depressor, he very calmly says "open your mouth, all the way." We do it, because he's so serious about it. Then he says "now stick out your tongue and say ahhhhh like this….AHHHHHHH". So we do it, because we think it's so darn cute. Then, he attempts to ram the "tongue depressor" down your throat forcing you to close your mouth faster than a person trying to eat the last M&M in the candy dish. He looks at you so sweetly when you do this, puts his hand on your cheek and says "it's going to be OK. Don't be scared. Here, hold my hand." And the whole convoluted doctor-patient relationship is born. Apparently, he must've thought I had strep throat as he did a full swab of my tonsils before all was said and done. "What do you think doctor?" I asked. He says "You – you're gonna be just fine!" and walks away. That's my boy!



He makes me laugh nightly when he says "One more story!" or "One more song!" when it's time for sleep and he just really doesn't want to go to sleep. Or how about when I leave his room and he says "Mommy, don't go outside. It's too dark out there."



And then there was the morning he invited the moon in to watch Wonder Pets with him. Or how he has to tell everyone when he has a band aid by saying "Hey man! I have a band aid on!"



I love how whenever he sees something that he's not sure what it is, he says "what's that one?" or "what's his name?" Or when he doesn't want me to know that he's got the poop, he tells me "don't change me, ever again!" or "Don't look at my poop!" And he says these things if it's going to break my heart if I never have to do these things again.



And then there are the pretend voices he makes when playing with his trains or his trucks and how he makes them talk to him. Or sings the ABC's or Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (in Joshie speak, it's Tinkle Tinkle little star). When he wakes up Daddy in the mornings, cuddling time is short before he starts ordering Daddy around. "You go potty now." And "you put on your shirt!" And if I'm wearing a dress for work, or if he's looking at my wedding pictures, he calls me "Princess Mommy" and commands me to "twirl!"



And then there are flashes of superb silliness that let me now he truly is my son. As we're reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar", he likes to finish the sentence on each page. He's made some minor changes. At the beginning of the book, when the egg hatches, out pops a tiny and very hungry… "PUMA!" We progress through the book and there's a page with a ton of food on it that we have to pause on. We pretend to take the things off the page and eat them. "I'm eating cake!" "I'm eating the pickle". Inevitably, Josh will look at me seriously, then a smile crosses his face as he reaches out and grabs the caterpillar and says "I eatin' the caterpillar!" And chomps down on the little bug. He then spits it out and announces, "That was gwoss!" If you've never read this book, and intend to, this may spoil the ending, so stop reading now. The tiny hungry caterpillar turns into a big, fat giraffe, builds himself a "cococooocoon", spends "2 WEEKS!" inside and then turns into a beautiful polar bear. The end.