Well, it's here. Football season - WOO HOO! If you have a favorite team and you enjoy watching them play, you're in luck (Go Packers!) However, if you're a chick (who likes guys) and have zero interest, and your significant other does, here are some tips to help you cope!
1. Watch one game. Find a player, any player who happens to look really good in those tight pants. Cheer whenever he's on the screen. This is much more fun if he's on the team your man is NOT rooting for.
2. Buy a vibrator and lots of batteries. Your Sundays will be full of just as much excitement as his. I, personally, recommend the Jack Rabbit.
3. Sit next to your man during every game and ask questions through the entire game. Don't ask questions about the game itself, ask questions like:
a) Who picked out the colors those guys are wearing?
b) Do those big guys not realize how big their arses look in those pants?
c) Why won't those guys we can't see shut up? I'm trying to enjoy the game, and they're talking through the whole thing!
d) Who did their makeup? The makeup person should be fired - that's nowhere NEAR where eyeliner goes!
After a 1/2 hour of these types of questions, he may just decide it's better to watch "Beaches" with you. Again.
4. Criticize the cheerleaders. Better yet, compliment them. Talk about how hot they are and how flexible they are. If you do this right, he'll end up in bed with you having a fantasy about you and the cheerleaders instead of watching the game.
5. Now is a great time to take up a new hobby! Learn to play drums or another loud musical instrument. Play along with the music playing during kickoffs. Pick out and play songs for appropriate moments in the game (the funeral march would be perfect for when the "other team" scores.)
6. If you want to fit in and seem like you know what you're talking about, keep repeating "Why would anyone want Terrell Owens on their team?"
7. Whenever the team he's rooting for has the ball and fails to complete a pass, (that's where the guy that the middle guy is throwing to doesn't catch the ball) get angry and yell "HOLDING!! COME ON!!!" or "Interference!! Where's the call?"
When all else fails, ask him for the credit card in the midst of a game and go shopping. If you've tried a couple of the suggestions above, he'll give it to you happily just to shut you up and get you out.
However, as a die hard Packer fan (no matter how bad they suck or how many interceptions Brett throws) I think if you don't like football, you should make an appointment with a mental health professional.
Are you ready for some football?
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