Cryptic messages, Unspoken Words

I've written three blogs in my head and none of them are fit for posting, just because I've decided to leave those subjects private. Let me see if this helps get the things stuck in my head out of it. Sorry for the cryptic messages here, consider this the diary part of my blog. Sometimes I believe that the people these things are meant for will somehow see this and know exactly what it is I'm talking about.


1. As much as I dreaded it, I'm glad I talked to you two on Saturday. I may roll my eyes when I talk about you, but that's because it's hard.

2. I miss you both, more than words can say and I wish you were still here to enjoy all that life has given us.

3. Just like with the rest of them, it was so hard at first, but it's getting easier and I can finally look at myself in the mirror again and know I've done the right thing.

OK, sorry about that. And now, I bring you something much more appropriate for my mood today. And (why do I always feel the need to say this?) – it's not about my marriage. It's just writing.



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The neon sign blinked erratically in the night - VACANCY. It was at once a welcome sight, having not seen anything but trees and litter on the side of the road for the past 2 hours. As she pulled her car in front of the motel, the "NO" flickered on. It was almost as if the night clerk saw her coming and knew that her kind didn't belong there. "Damn it!" she muttered as she tore out of the parking lot. All she wanted was a place to lay her head. Was that too much to ask? She was so tired.


She drove on until she found a truck stop and knew that it was a good place to close her eyes for a few hours. She pulled in, locked herself in the car and turned off her engine. She stretched out across the rear seat and thought about where she had been and where she was headed.


She thought about how much fun she had at first. Their life together was filled with laughter. They seemed to anticipate each other's moves and thoughts. However, time had changed them both and the changes began to take a toll on her. When she looked into the mirror, the hollow shell of the person she used to be stared back at her. No longer content to just get by, she asked him if he felt the same. He did not answer, which told her everything she needed to know.


She left that night and vowed that she would never look back. It was too difficult, too painful. She knew she must move forward, but didn't know where to go, so she just started driving. At the moment, it was enough just to be away. But she knew the peace that gave her would dwindle, so she drove on looking for a new place to start.


She thought about what she wanted for the future – stability, love, honesty and the ability to not lose herself so deeply in the eyes of another - to be able to maintain herself as an individual and to keep hold of the kind of person she struggled to be. As she thought about what form this new life would take, she drifted off into sleep.


She was awakened by a tapping on the window. Her eyes fluttered open, to see him standing there, his hands cupping his eyes, peering inside her car. Questions raced through her mind. How long had he been there? Had he been watching her? Had he been following her? Or did he just happen upon her there?


"Are you OK in there?" He called through the window. She gave a cursory wave to indicate she was fine. She sat up and rubbed her eyes, not sure if he was really there. She looked again, still there.


She tentatively rolled down the window, just enough so that she could hear him. "What is it?" she said, half expecting him to beg her to come back.


"You left before I could tell you I love you" he said. And then he was gone.


And she cried.


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And just because it touched me this morning, the lyrics for those of you who don't want or can't watch it.



"Anyway" by Martina McBride



You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway


You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach
and you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway, I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe
that tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons,
and in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in
that tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway

I build, I dream, I believe, I love, I sing it anyway. I hope you do too.