Eat YOUR heart out - not mine

I had a great idea for a really interesting and fun photo blog.I took all of the pictures. I left the camera at home this morning so it will have to wait. Sorry Katie. I know, I teased you and for that, perhaps I deserve a spanking.

Instead of fun and frolicking in my blog, I will be forced to write on the dreaded topic of Valentine's Day. The Big VD.

First, let me say I don't celebrate this "holiday". If I need a date on a calendar to remind me that I love someone, I probably shouldn't be fucking him. Plus, it is too close to my birthday and if I were to get a decent gift for Valentine's Day, then my birthday gift would certainly suffer. Not acceptable!

Allow me to say that flowers for Valentine's Day suck for a great number of reasons. The biggest being that flowers, much like your love for her if that's all you give her, will die rather quickly. Of course that's just my not-so-humble opinion. If you want to get her a gift that truly says you love her, buy her a vibrator. Because it says "I want you to be sexually satisfied, even when I can't be there for you." It says "I'm man enough to admit that my penis may not be enough for you and you may, occasionally, need a little something extra." It says "Stick this in your snatch and think of me." And THAT is the epitome of love.

And that, my friends, is all I really have to say about Valentine's Day. I do, however, have more to say on fetishes.

I'm not talking about "women in high heels and fish nets turn me on." I'm not even talking about feet or toes. Those are boring and unoriginal. I'm talking about some serious, hard-core fetishes.

I had a whole blog written on emetophilia and vorarephilia, but thought that it was a little too hard core. Let me just say that emetophilia is having a hard on for puking or watching someone spew. Vorarephilia is wanting to consume another person or creature, wanting to contain another person or creature entirely inside one's body, or the desire to be on the receiving end of either of those actions. It really brings new meaning to someone telling you that "you're so cute! I could just eat you up!" Yes, I'm telling you that many old people are obviously vorarephiles.

However, in my research, I found out about the sneeze fetish. What is it about sneezing? Well, it's about lack of control. As you know, you cannot really control a sneeze, it just happens. It also is parallel to an orgasm. There's a build-up, a release, often involving bodily fluid and a feeling of relief that the sneeze brings. So, next time you're in public and you have to sneeze - see who shifts nervously. And if you're a multiple sneezer, LOOK OUT! You may just be molested because of your allergies. All I'm saying is sneeze at your own risk.

While looking into this fetish, I found that there are several specific scenarios that people with a sneeze fetish may enjoy, my favorite being sneezing while hiding. Anyone who has ever played hide and seek knows how badly is sucks to have the perfect hiding spot, only to be plagued with a sneeze or two, giving away where you are. That sucks. And if you're playing with a male sneezeophile (I made that word up), he may just start jacking off because of it. Game over! Who wins that one?

I have also discovered that there is such a thing as a gas mask fetish. The eye covers may be blacked out to act as a blindfold, or there may be a blindfold under the mask, to increase the sense of total enclosure. Sometimes gas masks are also modified to include a gag. And if you don't think gas masks can be sexy, thing back to the movie TOMMY and the half naked women in gas masks.

I just had a thought – what if you're an emetophile and a gasmaskophile (made up word again)? Spontaneous orgasm if someone barfed while wearing a gas mask? I think so!

And if you think that's gross, bite me. Unless you're a vorarephile. I'd hate to get you started.