What was that?

I was going to write a blog about the man who interrupted me and my friend in the midst of our conversation to ask us if we knew where we were headed if we died right now, but I decided to let that go. Let me just state, for the record, that after telling him I would probably be headed for the morgue if I died right now and directing him to the information desk to get a visitor's pass, I let security know where about he was and what he was up to. He told me he wasn't a patient here, nor was he visiting a patient here. Let this be a lesson to anyone thinking about recruiting where people work: you shouldn't be all up in a person's place of business spreading anything – unless it's vicious rumors about my co-workers. Then, I'm all ears. Otherwise, scram! Moving on…



When I was in school, we didn't have sex education. I learned about the birds and the bees from my sister, trashy Harlequin Romance novels and Penthouse Forum letters. Yes, even as a kid, I stole my step-father's Penthouse magazines – only I truly DID get them solely for the letters and articles.



If I had a sex ed class, I can only imagine the questions that I would have asked. Because I was a big reader of anything even remotely naughty, I knew the basics and some of the more advanced things already. I would have asked the more important questions. The ones I had to learn by trial and error.



Questions such as "What does cum taste like?" or "When giving a blow job, how can I tell that he's about to shoot his load in my mouth so it doesn't surprise me and make me gag?" First, I'm sure I would have been corrected by the teacher - "SEMEN tastes like..." and "When performing FELLATIO, you can tell he is going to EJACULATE..." Ah yes, these things would have been good to know before I ever gave it a shot. But no! I wasn't given the opportunity to learn about these things in school. Instead, I was forced to learn about the Pythagorean Theorem, which incidentally I don't use very often, if ever. So, which of those would have been better to know?



And why, exactly, do I need to know what a prime number is? Wouldn't it have been more useful to me, as a woman, to know whether or not anal sex is for me?



A friend of mine was telling me about what her daughter told her she learned in sex ed. She claims they learned about queefs. GREAT! It's good to know that they're teaching our kids about pussy farts. I hope they're telling them that they are normal and natural, and while they may seem embarrassing at the time, they're really quite funny and make great openings to any story you're telling about a romantic evening. How do you think THAT conversation happened in class?



Teacher: "Next, we're going to discuss some of the terrible things that can happen to you if you have sex before you're married. Who has ideas?"



Child 1: "Pregnancy"

Child 2: "Aids"

Child 3: "A queef"



Teacher: "All very good examples of terrible things that can happen if you have premarital sex. No one wants to be the girl who queefed when Johnny stuck his penis in her vagina. You'll be tagged as 'Queen Queef' for the rest of your high-school years, possibly into college. How do you want to be remembered in the yearbook your senior year? Voted 'Most likely to succeed' or 'Most likely to queef'? Think about it!"

And yes, it was a public school. No child left behind apparently covers pussy farts. Isn't that good to know? Because we wouldn't like our kids to come out of school not knowing what a queef is. I know I don't want to have to explain it to my child. Thank goodness they're covering this - it's that much less that we'll have to explain to the boys when they get old enough. Lucky for me, they are boys, and this will all be Dad's job to explain it all to them in terms they can understand - like "cum", and "blow job". But not "queef". They'll learn that in school.