Why Maytag needs Ron Jeremy

First and foremost – I had so much fun yesterday with the ass blog! So, thanks to everyone who sent in their ass, everyone who looked at the asses and everyone who joined in conversation about the asses. I have no plans to do a cleavage blog, as has been requested. I may change my mind in April if I can think of something unique to do with it, but I think it's been done to death.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for – OK, not really. But I did want to talk about something more serious than asses. Come closer – I can't say this very loud because I don't want them to overhear what I'm about to tell you. I know, I know, you're wondering which "them" I'm referring to.

Is it my co-workers? No – they are oblivious saps who have nothing better to do with their time than worry about who burnt the popcorn in the break room. I only WISH my life were that mundane! Is it the people who think that everything is about them – that everything I say is somehow a veiled reference to their failure as a mature human being? Nope, not them, although they won't believe it.

I'm talking about the people who take blogging far too seriously. And they know who they are. And why am I on the hush-hush? On the down-low? Because I don't want to stir up trouble. And this blog is not going to be serious. Not one bit. Well, except for the opening paragraph, but that's it.

So, Whirlpool buys Maytag and they no longer want the repairman to be the old, trustworthy middle-aged gentlemen we're accustomed to seeing. They want energetic! They want young at heart and outgoing! They want Ron Jeremy! But seriously now, they don't want a woman. Some tool said: "If you think of other advertising icons out there ... where is Ben Crocker? Where is Juanita Valdez? Where's the Pillsbury doughgirl?" THAT was their rationale for not using a woman. Personally, I'm willing to bet Ben Crocker can cook like a MoFo. And Mr. Lee (Sara's hubby) is GREAT at doing laundry - (How do you get shirts so clean Mr. Lee? Ancient Chinese secret, huh??). I mean making desserts.

I say fuck you Maytag! We all know a woman could kick the shit out of the Maytag Repairman any day. Why? Because she read the manual, that's why! The whole reason that the Maytag Repairman isn't very busy has NOTHING to do with the quality of the products they are putting out. It has to do with the fact that very few men actually touch the suckers, unless they absolutely have to. We all know that men break stuff because they don't read the manuals. They are genetically predisposed to not follow directions of any type. Well, except the gay ones because they follow directions just as well as, if not better than, a woman. But I digress.

Men will do a load of laundry and not separate the lights from the darks. They just throw it all in the same load. Now, I know that many of you are probably thinking that I am a laundry racist. I keep my whites separate from the colors at all costs. Even if it means doing a load of laundry with just 2 shirts. Therefore, I admit to it. I keep my laundry segregated. There is to be no intermingling of the different races of laundry – not in my washing machine anyway! Incidentally, I also only eat chicken that is white meat. I don't like the dark meat. I think it tastes too greasy. And bread? White please! Honey wheat is ok, but I don't care for the darker breads: pumpernickel and rye (especially dark or Jewish rye) just don't do it for me. I'd eat them if I HAD to, but it would be a last resort. These predispositions probably preclude me from ever running for public office. I'm good with that, but now I'm WAY off topic. Back to Maytag.

They are hosting open casting calls. I say women all over the country show up and start chanting things like "Women's Lib" and burning bras. In fact, we should burn ALL of our clothes because without clothes, who needs washing machines? And then, in true PEST fashion (remember the PEST movement?), we can all get out our vibrators and have a masturbation-in to protest. That'll teach 'em!

And there you have it - thanks, discrimination and masturbation all in one blog. Who could ask for anything more?