I don't do conventional game shows

Do you remember the $25,000 Pyramid show (or $50,000 Pyramid, or the $100,000 Pyramid or just plain old Pyramid)?  You know, the big grand finale round where the clue giver tries desperately to get the guesser to guess what the topic is?  And usually, the topic was something totally gay like "Things a dog might say".

 

I was thinking how if I were ever on that show, it would not go well.

There I would be, sitting up there with Sam Elliott (be still my beating heart) and Dick Clark (or Donny Osmond) would ask if I'd like to give or receive.  Now normally, that would be an easy choice, because on any given day, if I had to pick one or the other, I would choose to receive.  I may be a selfish bitch, but at least I own up to it.    But in this case, would I be too mesmerized by the sound of his voice to really think through what he was saying?  Would everything he says just be sexual innuendo to me?  Would I have an orgasm right there in front of everyone?  So much to think about!  Still, I think I would receive.  Here's how it plays out in my head:

Sam:  Screw
          
Me: Things I want to do to you?

Sam:   Hammer
   
Me:  Things I want you to do to me?

Sam (with a sense of urgency as time ticks down): 
    Socket
    Screw
    Nail
    Hammer!

Me:  Things you shout at the moment of orgasm?

Sam: (obviously irritated with me):
    Screw driver
    WD-40   

Me:  Oh Christ – things in a tool box.

And I'd win a whopping $150. 

So, as you can see, I would not be a candidate for Pyramid. In fact, I am not a candidate for any game show really. At least nothing that would be shown on network television.  Maybe late night cable. 

Maybe they can do an X-rated version of Pyramid.  The stars would be people like Ron Jeremy or Jenna Jameson.  It would go something like this:


Ron:  Don't leave a wet spot on me
          I squeak a lot when you do that

Me:   Things a mattress would say

*DING*

Ron   I'm coming in
          You feel tight & wet
          Has Ron Jeremy ever been in here?

Me: Things a dick might say to a pussy

*DING*

Ron:  YOU NEED MORE LUBE!

Me:  Things your asshole might yell

*DING*

Ron:    A tongue
            A dick       
            Your lover's fingers after they've been in your snatch

Me: Things that go in your mouth

*DING*

Ron:  Gene Simmons' tongue
          Pam Anderson's tits
          My dick

Me:  Things that are huge!

*DING*

Ron: A parent
        A sibling
        An animal
        Me, without a condom

Me: Things that you shouldn't fuck!!! 

And just like that, I would win the jackpot. 

Yeah, I'd be good at that one.  I think most of you would be too.