What I'd tell Barbara Walters

I thought this would be kind of fun, so I'm playing the interview game. I've agreed to let CHRISSIE "interview" me. She gets 5 questions and I have to answer them. When I'm done, anyone who wants an easy blog can ask me to interview them. I'll send you the questions, you blog the answers.

THE GUIDELINES:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Ready? Here's my interview:

1. I think of you as a very free-spirited and openly sexual woman. Was there ever a time you were not like you are now?

Oh dear God, yes! Warning to Trish: be forewarned I'm talking about Jerry and sex here – you've been notified! Nearly my whole life, until I met Jerry. I was just a sad little girl who had never used a vibrator and didn't enjoy sex or anything about it. It never occurred to me that it could be fun and exciting. Vibrators were naughty and best left to tramps. Sure, I thought it was my "duty" to have sex with whomever I was living with at the time but it wasn't enjoyable. I couldn't figure out what the fuss was all about. Orgasms were something I obviously didn't need. Perhaps that was because they were something I didn't have. I could have cared less if I got laid.

And then there was Jerry. Sex took on a whole new meaning and suddenly I cared if I didn't have it. And the toys – oh Lord the toys! I think I've written about my first – the Eager Beaver. Since then, Jerry buys all my toys for me. I like it that way. I trust him. It's fantastic to have that! And orgasms too. Thanks Jerry!!

2. What is the one thing you regret in this life?

To pick one thing is so difficult here because there are a couple of things I would definitely do differently. I don't like the word regret because the majority of the things I've done, I've done with free will and have learned something invaluable from each of those experiences and to not have had them would make me a different person. I would say that the biggest regret I have is the amount of time I wasted on certain relationships that were going nowhere, one of which was very difficult and painful. Had I gotten out sooner, I would have still learned the lessons that it was meant to teach me, but it may have saved those around me a bit of heartache as well.

3. If you were given the chance to run for public office, would you?

Oh hell no! Why on earth anyone would want to run for public office is beyond me. You suddenly have your life and every decision you've ever made scrutinized by everyone. And even if you get elected, you can't do everything you want to do the way you want to do it, even if you can see how it would better the community, state or nation (depending on what level office you're talking about.) Shoot, I don't even want to be block captain in my neighborhood.

4. Exactly how stunning ARE your labia?

If you've ever seen any of the 7 wonders of the world, you know the feeling when you stand in front of them and realize what it is you're looking at? That's what it's like to gaze upon the wonders that are my labia. Beautiful, pink, symmetrical, just breathtaking, I assure you.

5. What is your position right this moment? Are you sitting? Are you making faces at your monitor?

Right this moment, I have a Kleenex shoved up my nose to keep it from running. It is 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep because when I lay down the snot runs down the back of my throat, making me want to swallow, but I can't because it hurts. SO, I am in my purple cotton jammies, lounging on my red L-shaped couch. My back is propped against the arm of the couch. My right leg extended across the back of couch cushion. My left leg is bent with my ankle resting on my right knee. I have the MacBook propped up against said left knee, and I am typing. I AM making faces at the monitor, only because I am having trouble seeing. And because the left shift key is pissing me off.