You can dance if you want to

As we were sitting on the couch this morning, my son wanted me to go in the kitchen with him. He looked at me with the most adorable face and said "OK Mommy. Let's get down." I said OK and immediately stood up and started dancing while singing "Get Down Tonight" a la KC and the Sunshine Band. He looked at me like I was a nut job and demanded that I "STOP THAT!" I tried to tell him that I was just getting down and he said "Just don't do that!"

It was at that moment that I wondered what I must look like when I dance. I know that I can't dance. I've been told that on numerous occasions, even by people who also can't dance. That is how you know it's bad.

I wonder if I look like Elaine in that marvelous Seinfeld episode. See proof - my wedding. The similarities are uncanny, don't you think?







Or perhaps I look like I'm having an epileptic seizure. Or do I do the Carlton dance from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air? Either way, its not good.

I think the reason for my bad dancing skills stem from college when "going out dancing" was code for going to a party, getting drunk and then following irritating people to clubs, making them think we wanted to kick their asses. We never did anything to any of them, but they were intimidated and we were too drunk to feel badly. In retrospect, do I feel badly? Hell no! It was college and I was stupid drunk. That's what you're supposed to do.

Incidentally, I also learned in college not to bitch slap the captain of the Rugby team while drunk at a bar, even if he did call you a cunt – at least not until your friends are 100% ready for what will happen next. While you might not mind the ensuing battle, your male friends who are getting the shit kicked out of them do mind.

The first time I ever danced I was probably 12. We lived on a lake and once a month, all the kids would get together for a dance. We all had to bring our records (we didn't have cassettes or anything). The room would fill with REO Speedwagon's "Take it on the Run". Boys and girls would go stand in the middle of the floor, paired up. The boys would put their hands on the girls waist and the girls put their hands on the boys' shoulders. Everyone assumed the stiff arm position and rocked side to side, never once bending their knees, for the duration of the song. Unless you were going together, then you still did the waist-shoulder dance, only you were squished together, her head on his shoulder.

In my efforts to try and learn how to dance, I got some advice from people and, not surprisingly, it hasn't helped me one bit. Perhaps the most worthless piece of dance advice ever given me was "make love to the music." So, drawing on all of the experience I had at the time, I made my way to the dance floor, put my hands on my boobs and just stood there, not moving, with my eyes closed. When the song was over, I cried. And then made an appointment with my therapist.

If I took that advice now, I'm certain I would be asked to leave immediately and possibly even receive a police escort where I would be booked for lewd behavior, indecent exposure and quite possibly some anti-pornography laws.

SO, if you've got a suggestion for a girl (who has absolutely no grace) on how to dance, I'm willing to hear it. And perhaps, I'll get Jerry to video tape me trying out your moves. I'll try anything once.