4 Relationship Lessons

I carry around a lot of anger and bad feelings about my ex-boyfriends. I need to let it go, I know, but I just can’t seem to do that. I learned some very valuable life lessons from each of these jackholes. It might not make me let go of the anger, but it’s always fun to bad mouth the bastards who have helped turn me into the bitter woman I am today. I won’t name them all, just the memorable ones. It’ll be fun. Maybe not for you, but I will have a blast!

Ass #1. Steve.
My first real boyfriend. Big fucking loser, if ever there was one. He worked at a gas station. I thought he was dreamy. Until I found out that the 19 year old scum bag was banging a 14 year old slut bag. I was 16 at the time, not willing to give it up just yet. I guess he got what he wanted from her. Looking back, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone today told me he was gay. He was very feminine, even for the 80’s.

Lesson learned: 19 year old boys who don’t ever pressure you for sex are either gay or getting it from someone else.

Ass #2. That would have to be Chris.
I lost a friend over him. We both liked him at the same time, and did anything we could to get him. He was a liar, a cheat and a user. I was young and stupid, he claimed he was in some trouble with Johnny Law and needed help. I borrowed money from my friends to give it to him. I was a retard. After giving him nearly $300, which to a 17 year old with no job is an awful lot of money, he ditched me. Years later, I was talking to some friends and apparently around the same time I was giving him all the money I could find to keep him out of trouble, he was dicking the friend I lost over him. He got $500 out of her.

Lesson learned: Don’t ever give a man money to get him out of “trouble” unless you’ve got something more invested in him than your pride, AND you’ve got the proof that he truly is in trouble.

Ass #3. Roger.
What can I say about Roger? Balding, uneducated, pot head, suicidal & slightly homicidal cock. And that may be far too nice of a thing to say about him. The only GOOD thing I can say about Roger was that he had a Harley and I loved going for rides. Everything else, bad. He was abusive in every sense of the word. One time, I’d had enough and hit HIM with a frying pan, right upside the head. Like a dumb ass, I went back. In the end, it was my good friend Jack Daniels that helped me get out of it. Well, Jack and a car full of guys from my college dorm who helped me get my stuff. I remember the last time I saw Roger. He was sitting on the floor in his apartment, unsure of what happened. His roommate punched him in the face as I was gathering the last of my things. Apparently, Roger thought if I was going to leave, he’d shoot me and went to the closet to get his hunting rifle. He later called me and told me he was going to kill himself if I didn't come back. I think I said something snappy like "OK, have a good time." I remember hanging up and calling the police to report the suicidal maniac. I don't know how that all went down, but his Mommy left menacing messages on my answering machine asking how I could have her son locked up. I'm guessing nuthouse, though I may never know.

Lesson learned: Any man who hits a woman is a prick. Don’t put up with it. Fight back. Never allow anyone to treat you with anything but respect. Sure, it may be hard to leave and you may be scared, but it’s not the kind of life anyone was meant to live. It doesn't get better. People like that don't change.

Ass #4. Mike. The last before I met Big Daddy. He was just sort of a big dork. I probably could have left him off of this list, except for the 2 things he did as the relationship came to a close. First, he slept with the one friend I had that I confided in about my desire to end it. That, in and of itself is some kind of perverted justice. Paulette had a baby with an African American man several years before. Mike’s parents were VERY Catholic and quite racist. I hear Mike and Paulette got married. I wonder how his mom feels about her acquired grandson. The second thing he did was screw me over monetarily. We had lived together and when I moved out, it was the middle of December. In Wisconsin. The gas bill was in my name, and I couldn’t stand the thought of turning it off on the guy (this, of course was before I knew he was hitting it with Paulette or I’d have let the jerk off freeze.) He was supposed to pay the bill and I was having it turned off in one month. I got that bill for the last month forwarded to me in Virgina. $468. Not sure what he did to get the gas bill that high, but he did it. Perhaps it was the final screw that he'd been yearning to give me. I’ve never seen a penny of that money. Rat bastard.

Lesson learned: Let the assholes in your life freeze or figure it out on their own. They’re sleeping with your friends anyhow and karma will kick them in the ass for you.

So, there you have it. The 4 biggest pain in the ass relationships I’ve ever had. The majority of my relationships have an element of cheating bastard in them - don't all good love stories? I was such a young, stupid, moronic girl. I couldn’t see that no one deserves anything less than personal happiness, security and love. And that is when I began making sure what I wanted and needed in a relationship was what I got. I’m very lucky because I have found that perfect balance in Jerry. He never asks for more than I am willing to give, and there’s never anything he’s not willing to do for me.

Lesson learned: My husband rules. And here’s something for you ladies to be jealous of: he never farts in my presence. I’m so damn lucky.