And now for something completely different! All about my family (like you care). I make mention of them here and there, and you should know who these wackos are that call me "honey" or "mommy", "Kim" or even "whore".
First, there's Big Daddy
Big Daddy (BD for short) is my one, my only, my sex kitten. He's good guy, even if he doesn't know it all the time. He saved me from a life of mild summers, cold winters, snow shoveling, and a huge ass due to cheese and beer (I'm from Wisconsin). He's younger than me and he doesn't let me forget it, especially from February - April when he can tell everyone I'm 2 years older than he is. He's done some pretty incredible things for me, and I only hope that I can do some incredible things for him. Wait just a minute...hope is not the right word. I KNOW I DO!! I've endured lock jaw, lips falling asleep and a hands full of olive oil to keep him happy. He's about to have surgery on his lower back for a herniated disk. I'm not looking forward to the recovery period (men can be such babies!) but I am looking forward to having him back to his old self and pain free. He's really much more fun that way - more useful too! We actually, technically, met on the internet, but just as friends. We all used to chat and I came to Virginia once for a vacation and met up with his brother. BD decided to hang out with us for the weekend. We spent that entire first weekend together, then were apart for Christmas. I came to visit a couple more times, and I always knew I'd move here for him. I was supposed to move in April, that was the plan. But, Valentine's Day came, I was coming for a
surprise visit. I couldn't go home again. So, we had a party and burned the plane tickets home and that was that. We've been together now for nearly 9 years, 6 of them married. I remember the day he proposed to me - I thought he was breaking up with me. He sat down next to me on the couch and looked me in the eye and asked if I was really happy here with him. I thought "Holy Shit! I'm 1,000 miles from home and no way to get back. At least the bastard has the sense to do it on the day I'm picking up my visiting friend from the airport. He probably wants her to help me pack!"
Then, there's JB.
My little angel who I struggled so hard to get - an ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage - then POOF! Now that I have him, I can't imagine life without him, nor what I did with my time before he was here. He's my miracle Clomid baby! He'll be 3 in December and my goal before I turn 36 in February is to get him to use the potty. Right now, he is more interested in sending me & everyone else away when he's pooping. He'll just yell "GO AWAY" when he's doing his business. And just like a man, you can't reason with him. I've tried to convince him that if he knows what he's doing, then he should do it on the potty, but it seems to terrify him. He's really a very funny kid, and has quite the wild imagination. I have no idea where he learns some things. Example: when smiling for a camera, he yells "FISH COOKIES!" I don't know what that means, but it produces great smiles, so I'll go with it. He's recently discovered that he has nipples. He also discovered that Mommy has them and that hers are "big". You gotta love the perspective of an innocent child! He also has incredible hearing. I have said things under my breath that I was so sure he couldn't hear, only to have it repeated. My favorite was the halloween costume incident, where I asked him if he liked a certain costume. He said no. Under my breath I said "that's because it's gay looking." Big Daddy asks him about another one and he says "No, that's gay looking!"
My step-son, The Brain.
He just turned 12 and is so much fun right now, words can't describe it. He's super smart and is in advanced classes in school. We're so very proud of him. He, too, is a funny kid. His sense of humor is very adult and far too advanced for the kids he goes to school with - we've had the parent/teacher conferences to prove it. Some of my favorite memories of him: When he was about 5, I was in the kitchen and he said to me "Hey, your butt isn't as big as my mom's". BD and I got married when he was almost 6, and when he saw me in my dress with the train down, he said "I think that dress is too big for you!" More recent good memory, while out shopping for Father's Day, he educated me on some lingo of the time. He says "What would it mean if I said a girl was "on the grill?" I didn't know. He said it meant she was hot. There was a woman sitting on a bench outside as we were driving past, and she was nice looking, so I said "Is she on the grill?" and he says "Awwww, yeah!" And we laughed. Then I tried to say some guy was on the grill and was informed that only girls can be on the grill. When I asked him what a hot guy would be he says "I dunno... maybe in the toaster?" I love that kid! Hopefully soon, he'll be living with us instead of playing house on the weekends. Then, I'll have someone else to boss around and my relationship with BD will get even better!
The fat, poop-eating black lab Aeli.
She freaks out during thunder storms and has to be calmed down with Amitriptyline. It also helps if you build her a tent to sleep in when this occurs. She's been known to "do the butt thing" when getting her nails clipped at the vet. You know, that wonderful expressing of the anal glands that smells so wonderful? We clip her nails at home now.
There's the epileptic tri-collie, Timber.
Because he has a penchant for walking into things (like walls) or running into a room, trying to stop and just sort of slides in, he's been nicknamed Kramer by my father on one of his rare visits. Have you ever looked into the eyes of a dog and literally seen nothing? That's looking into Timber's eyes.
And of course, there's Chloe, the money-eating collie.
Chloe cost us a fortune after a Super Bowl party - the year I FINALLY managed to beat the pants off of everyone playing poker. She ate change. 112 coins to be exact. $2.38. While I was driving her to the emergency vet that morning at bout 3 am, we came to a toll booth. I couldn't find any money. I looked at Chloe and said "Cough it up!" Wouldn't that have been a great story if I had fished change out of her puke to pay the toll? Too bad I found some change in the cup holder. Oh well, they can't all be good stories. $3800 later, we got our dog back (and a baggie full of change!)
I've also mentioned The Brain's dog, Pixel the wiener dog. (See above, pictured with The Brain.) She's a sweet girl, and such a tiny little thing. I love them all and they mean the world to me. Because they are so much a part of my life, you may hear more about them!
Then there's a chick who I am not related to, but I FEEL like I am.
She's my best girlfriend, more like a sister than anything, Kristin. I met her at work, and really didn't like her, until she stopped in my office one day and said she'd like to smell my flower. At that point, I knew she was just as sick as I am and that we would be great friends. People on MySpace know her as Kris or Nancy Drew. Her family calls her Krissy. But to me, she's Kristin, or whore. I've told her that when I call her whore, it's not a bad thing as I use that and the term "good friend" interchangeably. She's a wonderful person who has a heart of gold. I have no doubts that if I'm ever in need of anything whatsoever, she'll be right there for me. I know she has said if I needed her to, she'd wipe my ass for me. I love that whore!
Then, there's Trish the Dish.
Whoops! Wrong picture - sorry Gangsta Bitch! Try this one...
Mother of my niece. Betrothed to my brother-in-law. She's my "project girl", in that I'm working on molding her to be an exact replica of myself. She's funny, sweet and a riot to be around. And she totally gets the fact that my word is golden and should be taken seriously and not with a grain of salt. If I say it, it must be so. I like her. I love her. I need some more of her! Seriously though, I've seen her with my niece (who I call Booberry when no one is listening) and she's a fantastic mommy, even if she's not sure of it at times. She couldn't be a better mommy - well, unless she was me of course!
Let's see...if you've read old blogs, you know about Jack, my best non-living friend in the whole world. The day Jack's motor burns out, I'll be a sad little girl.
Anyhow, that's my life, my family and the people closest to me. Tomorrow, we'll delve into what it's like to drive a minivan that has a mind of it's own, sort of like "Christine", but instead of wanting to keep you inside of it, it wants you to get the fuck out. Good times. Or maybe we'll talk about things I say in my sleep - that's always fun! Unless you have a better suggestion.
I need coffee. Massive amounts. Can I get an IV please?
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