I have Meagan to thank for this one. 7 things that'll kill the mood...hmmm. So much of what she wrote was so right on that this was a bit of a challenge. However, I think I've come up with some that could be added to her list and it would be close to complete!
1) Like others before me, B.O., bad breath, too much hair ... all bad. Just as bad for me: bad teeth. They don't have to be perfectly white and square, but if when you smile, you look like you could have been one of the Rednecks in the woods from Deliverance, get out. If you're missing a front tooth (or two) or have more than one row of teeth on top or bottom, see a dentist before trying to see me nekkid. If you look like you've sharpened your teeth to points, keep 'em in your mouth and your schlong in your pants.
2) A picture of his mother near the bed, where I might get glimpse of her face staring at me. I probably already don't have her approval, I'm certainly not going to feel her scrutinizing me while I'm getting some. This goes hand in hand with him calling me "Mommy" at any point during foreplay. Don't do that. It's creepy. You don't really want to be with your mother, do you?
3) Humming. If you need music to hump to, don't hum. Don't sing. Turn on the radio, cd, anything. It's especially bad if you're humming or singing the music that plays in The Empire Strikes Back whenever they show the DeathStar.
4) Flatulating (and no thanks spell check, I don't mean fluctuating) while receiving oral sex, especially if you're doing it at the same time, i.e. the 69 position. I don't particularly care to have my face near your ass in the first place, but blast me while I'm near it and you'll be lucky if you ever see me again.
5) Malicious wounding. For me, pain shouldn't be part of sex. I realize this can be a turn on for some, but not this chick. A spanking here or there or light hair pulling can be raucous fun, but please leave the nipple clamps, whips and ligatures at home (or in the closet). And don't you dare choke me. I don't want to feel like I'm fighting for my life. If I want that, I'll walk around downtown Richmond by myself at 3:00 in the morning.
6) Animals on the bed. Ah yes, nothing like setting yourself up to get nailed doggie style and having a dog's cold, wet nose hit your butt. Makes a girl think you may have finished early! It's best if they aren't in the room at all. I don't want to compete with the dog over who can howl the loudest.
7) Certain requests. There are so many different things that he could ask for that would make me hit the road. While to some people some of these things may be turn ons, for me they are the stuff that nightmares are made of. Examples: calling him "Daddy", golden showers, scatting, inserting anything in his butt, him wanting to insert anything into mine, etc. No, no, no, and HELL NO! I'm looking for the exit.
8) (I know it's only supposed to be 7, but as I was finishing this up, I thought of an important one). My anus is mine, otherwise it would be called uranus. It is for exit use only. I don't buy the "whoops, wrong hole" or "it slipped" excuses. Don't put ANYTHING in it because I don't want it there. In college, I wanted to get a tattoo there, right on my ass that said "One way, do not enter" just to remind whoever might be back there that it's not for them. It's the forbidden zone. And should he try anyhow after I tell him no, it's not just turn off from sex, it's a turn off from cooking, cleaning, conversations and quite possibly his ability to pee while standing up any longer. I'm not messing around with this one.
Now, I've been told I get to nail some of you with the same request: SO, I'm tagging these 6: (supposed to be 5, but I know of 1 that will probably NOT do it...)
Sheryl
Eric
Jenny
Tracey
Mighty D
And...
Trish, the Dish
YOUR TURN!! Spill it!
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