Join PEST today

It's a cold, cold Tuesday, but my spirits are high. Why, you ask? Because, I say, PETA is right across the street! With their signs and their bus...I sense that no good can come of this. I'm having a hamburger for lunch today.

With the cold comes the inevitable hard-nipples, cold hands and the need for something to warm us from within. With Big Daddy out of commission, I'll need to rely on Jack! He's always there for me, he never lets me down.

So, I got to thinking. I was going to tell you the story of the scar on my inner thigh that is shaped like Scotland, but that will have to wait. As I watch the people from PETA out there, I realize that I don't belong to a cause. I dislike most "causes" that people generally protest because they're too far out there and the ideals behind most of them, while fundamentally sound, are pretty damn wacko. I just can't get behind any of them. So, I think I need to start my own movement. I will call it PEST (People Embracing Sex Toys). Instead of holding up signs, everyone can bring their vibrators, dildos, cock rings, butt plugs and the like. We'll sit in the park and have a giant masturbation-in. And we'll explain that sex makes people happy & happy people are less likely to commit a violent crime. Our theory will be that everyone should find a toy they enjoy and use it to the fullest extent. And if you're a guy and don't have the Jenna Jameson Realistic Vagina, and cockrings or butt plugs aren't you're thing, you can support a woman by holding her vibrator when she's too overcome by the ecstasy to wield it herself. We will not rest until there is a dildo or vibrator in every hole - I mean home.

We'll have bumper stickers that say "In case of rapture, this car will be occupied by a satisfied person". And we can all have banners to put up on our MySpace profiles. We'll need a graphic designer for this - and I do mean graphic!

I have so many great ideas for this! A forum where everyone can come together (LITERALLY!). And it will be good. Hey, even if it never catches on, we'll all be smiling & content.

I can see it now, the news crews all around while we're "protesting" outside of the Richmond General Assembly. When they ask us what we're protesting, we can say "Lack of clitoral simulation for the women of the world!" Or "Lack of sex toys for men!"

When MySpace deletes one of us for "offensive content" we'll create our new account and all of our friends for their profile picture will use a picture of their favorite sex toy (we'll be able to find each other because of Blogger Backup!)

We could travel around the country in a bus shaped like a giant penis, "painted" by our male members using only their johnsons. We'll go from town to town, encouraging people to meet for one day in mutual masturbation. Of course, no children will be allowed; we'll need bouncers to card onlookers and participants.

Come on now, see the big picture! Think outside the box! You know you want to!

I'm taking volunteers for the movement "officials". We'll need a secretary, a treasurer, marketing person, PR, graphic designer, and numerous product testers. I'm sure there's more, but we'll get to that as we gain momentum. We also need a catchy slogan. I suck with slogans. Help me out here, won't you?

With liberty and multiple orgasms for all-
Psycho Princess