Repost from Sunday

It's a beautiful day - the rain has subsided, the water is receeding, all of the roads surrounding my house are reopening, the sun is trying to peek out, so why am I so friggin' crabby?

I'm a bitch today, snippy and cranky, short tempered and I have no patience. I slept good last night, no PMS here, got the grocery shopping done and I really have nothing left to do today that I HAVE to do. So, I should be in a great mood. But, alas, I am not.

I had a dream last night that I was surrounded by dogs. Not just any dog though, every dog I have ever owned that is either not a part of this world any longer or I'm just not sure what's happened to then.

There was Wolf, my long-haired german sheppard that my parents had when I was born. Benji, the stray my sister and I kept feeding until Mom said we could keep him. He was a shit! Frodo and Tucker (the Fucker) & Bilbo Baggins - my dad's dogs. My grandma's dog, Rebel, Angel & Missy - the dogs I got with my ex-dillweed - I dont know what ever happened to them) Howie, and of course, Zoe - my little angel Zoe who by all accounts and purposes should still be here. Even 4 years later, I can't get over my Zoe girl. There was no dialogue in my dream, I was just wandering around in a non-descript area - no buildings, no trees, I don't remember grass, just openness. And all these dogs were following me. I woke up a little sad.

I think I loved them all equally, but the last one, Zoe was the absolute worst doggie loss I've ever had. She was my birthday present. I picked her out when she was just 4 weeks old and had visitation at the breeder's. I was attached when I got to take her home finally. I remember that first vet appointment, when they said she had a heart murmur and we should return her to the breeder. She was my sweet baby though, and I knew she would not be returned. The breeder gave us our money back, minus $50 for the shots she had given her. I remember the day we lost her...

Christina and I went for a bike ride. It was a beautiful day and we went up to the park. When we came home, Jerry was sitting on the front steps. I waved, he didn't. As we got out of the car, he stood up and the look on his face told me something terrible happened. I wasn't worried about my mom, my sister, or any human. I just KNEW it was Zoe. She was out playing, running, and that was it. He said she just made a terrible sound and took one last breath, and that was it. Even though it's not legal, we burried her in the backyard. I couldn't stand the thought of her being anywhere else but where I was at that moment.

The next week was TERRIBLE. There was no puppy to come home to. Jerry and I moped around and we just knew there was something missing. I think there must have been a reason for all of this. I think it was that fate intervened, we had Zoe when Jerry's dad passed away. And focussing on her really helped a lot, but once we were ok enough to move on, it was time for her to go. We decided we would not wait to get another puppy, and through a strange twist of fate, there would be a female puppy ready to go home with us in just a week. Of course, we got her, brought her home, and she's my beautiful Chloe girl, but she's not my dog. She is so obviously Jerry's, for many reasons. I love her to pieces, but she's not my Zoe. I miss my Zoe, every day. I still cry when I think of her, so I try not to. I just miss her terribly. That's all. I'm such a downer!