Kids say some crazy stuff!

Kids can be wildly funny. They can say things you never knew they knew. They can repeat every word you say, even when you’re certain they aren’t listening. They can make you laugh for reasons you can’t explain. If an adult did some of these things, you’d assume that they were mentally challenged.

I’ve inadvertently taught my son some unique phrases, body language and gestures. Here are some of my favorite examples:

While driving to the store the other day, four people in a row didn’t wait their turn so I was left sitting there. Had I been alone, something like “Get out of my way, cock” would have crossed my lips. However, knowing that I had the human voice recorder in the back seat, I didn’t say it. I said something else, equally disturbing when coming out of the mouth of a kid who is almost 3. He didn’t repeat it right away, and I was relieved that he didn’t pick it up. We pulled up to the stop sign behind another car, and JB looks up and yells, “Get out of the way, jerk off!”

Last night, Big Daddy and I were on the deck. JB comes out with half of a plastic egg on his head, wearing it like I hat. “You wear it Daddy” Big Daddy puts it on. Then, JB looks at him, smiles and says “Now work it!” I couldn’t stop laughing.

When walking into his child care provider’s house the other day, he was following so closely to me, hiding behind my back. I asked him what he was doing and he says “I’m crawling up your butt!”

There’s the amazingly cute things he says too like “Mommy, is your heart happy?” How could it not be when you have an angel’s face looking up at you, concerned that your heart might not be happy?

There was the crossed arms and angry stare he gave his stuffed animal, Pumba, when he put Pumba on a time-out with the harsh words “Do it again and you’ll have a big, fat time out!”

Then, there is his imaginary friend. This “friend” must’ve been keeping him up last night, as over an hour after putting him to bed I could hear him in his room. His friend, by the way, sounds like Danny Torrence’s finger when he talks. I couldn’t make out what his “friend” had said, but clear as day JB says “Now you leave me alone! I’m trying to sleep!”

There are countless Thomas & Friends episodes that he knows by heart, his favorite being the one with the song about accidents where “Gordon’s gonna crash the party house!” Gordon seems like my kind of guy!

And when he eats pretzel sticks, he’ll put two of him in his mouth, sticking out like walrus tusks and announce that he’s Spongebob and then says “Strange. Now, where’s my hat?”

One day, I’m certain that when I ask him why he doesn’t want to eat dinner, his standard response of “Because I don’t like food” will turn to “Because it tastes like ass.” At that moment, I’ll be the proudest mommy on the face of the earth. I’ll stand up and shout “That’s my son!” And then we’ll be asked to leave the restaurant.

Incidentally, I need to thank Lori. She turned me on. Wait – that’s not right. Or is it? Hmmm…anyhow, she turned me on to the “Day With Thomas” event. The closest one is about 5 hours from here in Pennsylvania. However, it is 2 days before JB’s 3rd birthday. I have to take him. The look on his face alone will be worth the 10 hours of driving. I saw they have the National Toy Train Museum up there. We’ll make it a whole weekend. And then, he doesn’t need a birthday party which he’s not going to appreciate anyhow. Doesn’t that sound exciting? Funny thing about that. When I saw all he’ll see and do right there with Thomas. I had tears in my eyes. I’m such a marshmallow today…all warm and squooshy.

Tomorrow is Bid Daddy’s surgery. So, if I don’t get to blogging, responding to messages, and the like, cut me some slack. And if you would be so kind, wish on a star, say a prayer, dance naked in the moonlight, masturbate to chamber music, sacrifice a goat, or whatever it is you do, in the name of Big Daddy for a successful surgery and quick recovery. And if you wind up doing the dancing, send me a video of it. I’ll need a smile tomorrow (and if you’re hot, and make the dance suggestive enough, possibly a chux pad or a towel!)

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Totals from above the line:
Total number of words: 784
Exclamation points: 10
Ellipsis(es?):1
Dashes: 1
Parentheses: 1 set
Quotation marks: 16 sets
Words/phrases of the week appears in this blog 0 times
All time favorite words/phrases: 2
Words typed in all caps:0

Analysis: Get over yourself with the exclamation points already. At least the majority of your quotation marks were actually quotes. Way to go on not typing any words in all caps – that proves that you’re not a complete tard. And you really didn’t need those parentheses at the end of the blog. You just put them there because you are an excessive punctuator.
Note to self: make therapy appointment to discuss the meaning behind all the exclamation points. There must be a meaning there somewhere. Perhaps you see them as phallic symbols and you are a nympho. Worth exploring.