Yes, that is a 5 foot rod, used to give an elephant a vasectomy. I don’t want to know the details about it, I really don’t. I just find it fascinating. I’d like to see the speculum used to give an elephant a pap smear!
On to other, more important things:
I have very unique relationships with the majority of my doctors. This is a good thing, because I also have some very unique problems. My favorite doctor is my OB/GYN. He is simply awesome. We chit chat and joke around a lot when I’m in there. It may border on inappropriate, but when a man has stuck his hands all up in you, I think you can pretty much dispense with the formality. I remember when I went to have my IUD put in. At one point, legs up in the stirrups, I look in his general direction and all I can see is the top of his head between my knees. He comes up for air, holding 2 very long strings – apparently, they’re attached to the IUD and need to be cut off. But he says, “Hey, what do you say I leave ‘em this long and you go to Jamaica! You can probably get them braided of have them put beads on them or something exciting!” We had a good laugh over that one – still do when I go for my yearly.
One other time, about 3 weeks after my yearly I had to go back because I was having pain. He had a student Physician’s Assistant with him for the exam. He does his thing, looks at her and says “What should we do next?” She mentions something about “going in rectally” and his response was priceless. He says “Normally, yes, but she’s way too nice of a person and besides, I was just in there not long ago.” And I said something witty (well as witty as you can get with your legs up in stirrups and a cold, metal duck-bill rammed in your snatch holding you open for whatever traffic needs to get through there). I said “Yeah, you’re the best!” Now, I meant that as a “thanks for not violating my anus again” but thought it must’ve sounded like “Yeah, and you were so good at it!” The PA left the room after that. I think she was pissed she didn’t get to ram her finger up my ass.
On the opposite side of the spectrum would be my Neurologist who is a prick and a half. He’s been known to say things to me like “You have MS, what did you expect?” when I’ve called with a new symptom and wanting to know if I needed to do anything about it. The scary part is, he looks like a super short Dick Cheney. And he’s in charge of my brain? GREAT! He’s a smart man, and I hear one of the best neurologists in the state if you have MS, but his bedside manner sucks dick. And being that I’m not a guy, that’s not really all that helpful to me.
And speaking of sucking dick, why is it that when something is really crappy we say it sucks dick? Why can’t we say things like “his bedside manner really licks my snatch!”? And isn’t sucking dick supposed to be a good thing? So, that would mean he’s got a good bedside manner, yes? We’re so stupid sometimes in the things we say. Say what you mean, dammit! “His bedside manner is like having someone take a crap in your mouth.” Now that’s something I could understand, because having someone take a crap in my mouth must certainly suck giant elephant penis –with a 5 foot rod shoved up it.
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