And I'm not talking about a bra! Thanks to Katie for suggesting to Kristin that she try the "Instead" for her special time of the month. Thanks to Kristin for buying them and then discovering that she cant use them due to the IUD. And no thank you speech would be complete without giving props to Jesus, with whom all things are possible, who enabled the makers of "Instead" to see a need in the market for something like this (a cup to catch menstrual blood before it makes it's way through the poon) and for guiding them in their research and design and giving them the fortitude to see this through until fruition. Yay Jesus!
Now on to the heart of the matter ... my crazy, dysfunctional family. Why? Because I'm tired of walking around with anger. Heres some background:My mom & dad divorced when I was 5. What do I remember? My mom putting my sister and I on a plane and flying us from where we lived in California all the way to Wisconsin where her family was. I don't remember my dad saying goodbye, I've never asked if he did. I remember not seeing my dad from the time I was 5 until I wrote him a letter at age 12 or 13, telling him not to call me anymore because he didn't know what a father was. He sent me plane tickets to come see him for that summer. I went for the next couple of years, and then it stopped when I needed to get a part time job so I could have money for gas for my car. He got married several years later and forgot to tell my sister and I. It was an after thought in another conversation: "By the way, Karen and I got married 6 months ago..." Wow, thanks for including us, Dad.
We not only had a stepmother, but she was a package deal with a little girl and we had a step sister now too. My step sister is 14 years younger than me. I haven't gotten to know her very well, as they lived in Washington state and now Alaska. But I remember being jealous of all the things he did with them.
One Christmas, he came to see his family in Maryland and left his wife and stepdaughter at home. He drove in to Richmond to see me and said "This will be the first Christmas in a long time I haven't spent with my family." Ummm...I'm your family Dad. Grandma and Aunt C are your family. Now, I know what he meant, however it still hurt very badly, and I've never gotten past it. In his struggle to have us accept this little girl as family, he pushed so hard that at times, we'd get angry at him. Especially because he was playing daddy to a little girl when he couldn't have been less interested in my sister and I. We let it go, because it wasn't the kid's fault that he was an ass to us. But he kept insisting that she was our sister, and we rebelled, just wanting our dad to love us like he obviously loved her.
Fast forward to 2000 when I got hitched. Out of the deal, I got me a stepson. Now, being that my dad was so insistent upon us recognizing our stepsister as our sister, you'd think he'd see my stepson as his grandson, right? Wrong! I don't think I've ever seen him send a birthday card for the occasion. I don't think he acknowledges my husband's birthday either. Maybe every 2 or 3 years he remembers that one, but that's it. And if that's not enough...My stepsister had a baby in October of 2003. I had my son in December of 2003. At Christmas, 2003 we get a card from my Dad and Stepmom. They make their own, and it has pictures of where they live in Alaska, a witty saying and a message. On the back, a picture of both the new grandchildren. Very sweet. Christmas of 2004, the card has been edited and on the back, a picture of my step-niece, with a message that she turned 1. This is the card he sent to everyone. No mention that my son turned 1. No mention that my sister's kids also had birthdays. I spent the New Year informing my dad's side of the family that Josh was just fine and that he also turned 1, he was just left off of the card. And again in 2005, apparently my son did not have a birthday, nor is he worthy of mention.
So, I can't wait for this year. I have a GRAND idea. My mom turns 60. I'm going to make my own cards this year. And on the back, I'm putting a picture of my mom. And I'm going to announce that "Sue turned 60!" and I'm sending it to my Dad. Because it pisses me off that he is so laisser faire when it comes to his own children and their children. Apparently in this family, blood is not thicker than water. And it's sad because I didn't ask for this. I didn't have a say in this. And I'm bitter. And I dont know how to tell him.
Now, I know my stepsister is on here. I've tried to make contact with her. She's read the message. She never responded. SO, now I have to think that at some point, she could see this blog. And she may share it with my Dad. And I'm OK with that. Because I don't know how to tell him how bad he hurts me when these things happen. And how much anger I carry around. And I don't know how to tell him because of the way he is and he'll just make excuses and tell me I'm being silly, without explaining anything to me in a logical way that makes sense to anyone but him.Maybe not, but you know, it can't really hurt my relationship with my dad. I only see him once every couple of years, usually for a day or two. We talk on my birthday and at Christmas time. I usually call him for Father's day and his birthday. And that's usually it. So, would I be sad if I had no contact with my dad anymore? Yes, because he's my dad. But, maybe then there would be no new anger or hurt. Maybe I would just be able to chalk it up to "it is what it is" and be at peace with that. Or maybe, just maybe, he'd come to his senses and spend the rest of his life trying to make amends, doing the right thing and, for once, being the dad that I never got to have.Huh.
Good thing I found the "Instead" cup. At least I've got THAT going for me. Because I think the above is a lost cause. Then again, I had given up on a cleaner solution to being on the rag and then "Instead" came along. Praise be to Jesus...
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