Inspirational thoughts on a fine Tuesday morning.
I knew a girl named Nikki, I guess you could say she was a sex fiend. Wait – that's not inspirational. In fact, I have no inspiration for anyone, only desperation. THAT I can offer you by the droves.
I'm driving an old friend to work these days, let's call him "Kent." Now I've known "Kent" for nearly 9 years. He used to be designated as my "back-up husband" in case something ever went horribly wrong with mine. This was back in the day when I was insecure and couldn't imagine being alone – I always had to have one on the back burner. Usually, like "Kent", they were really cool people who would give me anything I wanted should I ask. "Kent" and I have some great conversations in the car. He does a dead on Jimmy Stewart impression and then sings Sex and Candy a la Jimmy. It's a hoot!
I have an uncle who is a super funny guy. He likes to tie one on and enjoys making people laugh. One particularly funny thing I remember about him was his behavior at my cousin's wedding several years ago. He reminded me of Will Ferrell's character, Frank, in "Old School". Uncle Jim had quite a few in him and after the meal was offering people Rolaids. He pulled the baggie out of his pocket. All of the Rolaids were crushed and it was mostly just tiny chunks and Rolaids dust. He actually got a spoon, and ate a bite, declaring "Hey, that's not so bad." He then began offering them to everyone, holding out the baggie and the spoon. When people would turn him down and walk away, he'd just shout after them "You'll be sorry later! You'll come looking for me, begging me for this baggie and this spoon!" while thrusting each up in the air at the appropriate moment. He looked like a drug dealer peddling his wares on the party crowd.
I work with a guy, who is a Republican. Let's call him "Doug". "Doug" always has a story to tell on just about any topic. You know this type: interesting stories, told in a funny way, very plausible sounding. HOWEVER, you just know that 95% of what is coming out of "Doug's" mouth is a load of shit. Some people are very good story tellers. Some people are too good at it. "Doug" is one of those people. Aside from his tirades on "There's no such thing as global warming. It's made up by liberals who have nothing better to do", he seems to be an ok guy and good for a laugh or two during my day. He's one of the few docs up here that don't drive me bat shit crazy.
Speaking of bat shit crazy, I'd like to give a shout at to those of you who read my blogs, yet never comment. It's nice to have you along for the ride. Jump on in any old time. It's not like I'm talking about rocket science here, so you've GOT to have something to add! And if you happen to be bat shit crazy, more power to you!
My favorite words and phrases this week: fucktard, jackhole, bat shit crazy.
My all time favorite words and phrases: "That tastes like ass!", Cock, and "EH! Wrong answer".
In closing, I'd like to share my latest mystery friend request. I love the ones with no pictures, no profile, just a friend request. And you go to their page and they have 2 or 3 friends, no one commenting. So, here it is – to add to my growing list of desperate friend-wanters:
Bill is a 45-year-old Leo from Chesterfield, VA. He doesn't want kids. And THAT is literally all I can tell you about him. So, go drop Bill a message. Let him know that the whole no profile thing and requesting to be someone's friend without so much as a "Hello" is really quite creepy. I should know – I read about serial killers ALL the time – it's my hobby! (Reading about them, not serial killing itself!) I have a suggestion for Bill - put up a picture of yourself, you jackhole! Try this one:
In an effort to pay attention to some of the more interesting aspects of my writing, I've decided to keep a tally of how many times I use certain things in a post. Just ignore it, it's for me, not you.
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Totals from above the line:
Total number of words: 750
Exclamation points: 9
Ellipsis(es?): 0
Dashes: 9
Parentheses: 1 set
Quotation marks: 16 sets
Words/phrases of the week appears in this blog 8 times
All time favorite words/phrases: only once each (total of 3), when I tell them what they are
Words typed in all caps: 6
Analysis: Try harder to use less exclamation points, or else people may mistake you for a fucktard with a bubbly-personality. Dashes are bad – stay away from them. You use them too much. Too many quotation marks without actually quoting anyone. Stop typing words in all caps. Use your favorite words and phrases more often, or they may not realize that they truly are your favorites. They're likely to think you're bat shit crazy, you fucktarded jackhole.
Side Note: Don't order the Santa Fe chicken ever again. Remember that it tastes like ass.
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